Old and New Jokes

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, whod land first?
A: Who cares!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted… and rode off.

How many swedes to you need to change a light bulb?

500. One to hold the light bulb, and 499 to rotate the house.

Un tontilandés compra un carro nuevo. Al segundo día, regresa con el auto muy decepcionado por la compra. El vendedor preocupado se dirige hacia el cliente:

Pero, señor, ¿qué le ha pasado?

¡Este carro no sirve, es una porquería!

¿Por qué dice eso, si es un auto nuevo?

Pues no sirve, ya que de día lo pongo en la D de día y funciona bien; pero de noche, cuando lo pongo en la N de noche, ya no camina para nada.

Oh, Laura! cried her neighbor, Im so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. Im sure he left you well provided for, didnt he?

Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that Id give fifty thousand just to have him back!

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!!Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.What fer?, asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?No, sir, said Earl. Wes on the patch!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. Im really hungry, said the first one. Me, too said the second. Lets fly down and find some lunch.

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate til they could eat no more.

Im so full I dont think I can fly back up to the tree, said the first one. Me either. Lets just lay here and bask in the warm sun, said the second.

O.K. said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner had they fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> are you ready for this…

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> …I just love baskin robins!

NOTICE: You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma. The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street – she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldnt concentrate, however, thinking about those words, Goodbye Daddy. He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing – the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.

Oh, well, as I alway say, a sacred cow exists only to be milked for laughs.

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!