Old and New Jokes

How many seconds are in a year? Answer: There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…

Ive known a number of people who told me that they were really
eager to have babies. Having a spouse or good job would be ok, too,
but what they were really after was the babies. I never understood
the attraction for a long time, but then it hit me. They must want
babies like I wanted a cat. (Until recently I lived in a dormitory,
where people of the furry persuasion are the subject of intense
discrimination.) Though I now understand the feelings of those who
have the unfulfilled cravings of the existence of another living
creature in the house, I feel it my duty to point out the flaws in
their reasoning.

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its
crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you, and if
you dont, you dont event have to worry about whether or not the
sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath this month.

6. You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how you are
going to finance your kittens college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont want
to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle
your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the
country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In fact,
nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your
job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

Esto se cuenta en Sao Paulo:

El presidente Bush recibe un llamado directo desde Brasil; como no entiende un cuerno de portugués, decide llamar a su intérprete y ponerlo en conferencia en otro teléfono, muy cerca de él. El traductor interroga:

Alo, quem fala?

Aquí, desde Brasil. Por gentileza, fala para seu presidente que nos os brasileros fuimos quem fizerem explodir os avioes no seus predios, tá legal. OK?

El intérprete no podía creer lo que escuchaba y, con la voz entrecortada, se dirige a Bush:

Mr. President, they… The Brazilians… They said that they were who crashed the planes into the Twin Towers…

Bush no lo tomó en serio:

Are you crazy? Brazil? It is not possible! It must be a mistake! Please, ask him again…

Entonces el traductor vuelve a preguntar:

Por gentileza, quisieran los senhores repetir para mi otra vez?

Ok. Fala para o seu presidente que NOS, OS BRASILEROS, fuimos que fizerem explodir os seus avioes en seus predios, tanto em Nova Iorque como no Washington. NOS FUIMOS, TA?

El intérprete gira su cabeza y dice:

Mr. President, unfortunately he confirmed it. The Brazilians were who crashed the planes…

Entonces, Bush no soporta y despotrica:

FUCKING BRAZILIANS! ATTACK THEM! DESTROY THEM! Launch missiles, nuclear bombs, biological weapons, anthrax, hepatitis, gonorrhea, whatever! Start with their principal cities! Destroy their Capital City! I need to know which city is their Capital! Ask him!

El intérprete puso su mejor voz conciliadora y como si nada pasara, preguntó:

Disculpen os senhores, pero por gentileza, podriam me decir cual es a sua capital?

Era la pregunta que el brasileño estaba esperando:

Seguro, tudo mundo conhece a nossa capital e… BUENOS AIRES!

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

A blond walks into a bar and orders 2 shots then she says one of the pain and one for the glory. and she does it again the bartender finaly asks whats up with the pain and the glory? She says well it started when I was cleaning my house in the nude and I bent over to pick something off the floor and my greyhound mounted me . the bartender responds what was the glory then she responds that was the glory the pain was when he trew me out side when he was threw ….

Three men were traveling around the country. They stopped by in this one town and asked to spend the night at a hotel. The hotel manager charged them 27 dollars for a room that had three beds in it. So that means that each man payed 9 dollars. After they went to the room, the maneger thought he had charged them too much for the room so he decided that the room would cost 22 dollars. He called the bell boy over and gave him five one dollar bills, telling him to give it to the three men. On his way up to the room, the bell hoy realized that he wouldnt be able to split the money between the three men equally, so he stuffed two of the dollar bills into his own pocket. Now, if youre following me that means that each man payed 8 dollars for the room(becasue they got a dollar back). 8 x 3 is 24. The bell boy has two dollar bills in his own pocket(so you add 2 right!!!). That equals 26. What happened to the other dollar?





Answer: It cost 22 dollars for the room. but they got back 5 dollars from the 27 it was at first.so the bell boy took the money and kept 2 dollars for him self and gave 3 to the 3 men each giving them one. so you got to go like this 9*3=27 ( becasue that how much they origionally paid) minus 3( how much they got back) = 24 then minus 2 (the ones the bell boy took) and you get 22 and thats how much it cost to pay for the room so there wasnt a extra dollar!!!

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned

the volume all the way up….the mime next door went nuts!

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.

He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, I dont know, Im only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling.

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better.

Really? answered the doctor, I dont understand it. My maid said to use hot water.

Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.

Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.