Old and New Jokes

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Q:how do you make gold soup?

A:you add fourteen carrots

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks. The woman says, Unbutton your shirt. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wifes bedside table that said Wake me at six.

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: Its six, you bum! Get out of bed!

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.

Part I: The Night Before Christmas

1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…
A. Jump out of bed shouting Santas here!

B. Jump out of bed shouting What the %&!@ was that?!

C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.

2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: On…
A. a gada da vida.

B. top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…

C. Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!

3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.

B. Isnt it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?

C. A reindeer, stupid!

4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means…

A. Hes Santa!

B. Hes got a facial tick!

C. Hes gonna show you the candy cane hes got hidden in his pants!

5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?

A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says shes in the mood.

B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft… Easter.

C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.

Part II: A Family Kind Of Christmas

6: Its December 23 and you finally realize youd better buy some gifts. What do you do?

A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?

B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.

C. Rush to the liquor store. You cant go wrong with vodka!

7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is…
A. Why you dont believe in God anymore.

B. Politics.

C. The weather.

8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really dont want to answer, you…
A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.

B. Say oh look, an elf and hide while shes distracted.

C. Lie and hope shes had so much spiked eggnog that she wont remember a thing in the morning.

9: The familys singing Deck The Halls. When you get to Don we now our gay apparrel, your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years hes been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You…

A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.

B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!

C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyones mind off it.

10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is…
A. Its A Wonderful Life… because they expect it.

B. Its The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown… because its the only video left in the store.

C. ID4… because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.

Scoring The Quiz:

As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.

10-22 Points:

In the words of Mr. T., I pity the fool who gets this score. Youre in for a bad Christmas. Then again, Christmas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldnt count on it.

24-38 Points:

You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. Youre going to need it.

40-50 Points:

Youre at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane Christmas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it: Its not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.

Well its been over 20 years since Consumers Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So
we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final
product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion?
A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting
a girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics– if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you
that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
increase with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or
a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Notes:

A: Seek psychiatric help

B: Only new if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, divorced.

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences
to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough
to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may
be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU
advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SOs/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
ride ritual begins with the so-called pickup line, which can range from
the simple if dull (Can I buy you a drink?) to the aggressively hip
(dance with me or Ill kill you) to the arcane (Youre my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!). CU rates as Not Acceptable
Smile, youll look better. Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does
the heater warm adaquately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected
to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CUs
specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and
living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.

A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity.
Within each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Indonesia!
Indonesia who?
I look at you and I get week Indonesia!

Un tipo le confiesa a otro:

Estoy casado desde hace 20 años y siempre estuve enamorado de la misma mujer.

Eso me parece admirable.

También algo peligroso… ¡En cuanto se entere mi mujer, me mata!

A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was really Gladly, The Cross Id Bear.