Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

A ho down

Una monja estaba mezclando lentamente el rompope:

Cluc….. cluc….. cluc…..

Cluc….. cluc….. cluc…..

Entonces se acerca un sacerdote y le sugiere:

Hija, a este rompompe le hace falta más huevos.

Cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc

Cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, MY PACEMAKER!

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream, YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering tsk, tsk.

9. Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns Sex Machine.

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would know and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as worm.

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lectures over when the bottles done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as matey.

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to sit back and groove.

31. Announce that last years students have almost finished their class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, Whatll it be, McGee?

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire2-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I picked up in the field.

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said doctor, Get a hot mama and be cheerful.

The doctor said, I didnt say that!…

I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!

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Whats the best thing about growing old?

You get to hide your own Easter eggs.

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What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.

But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus,…breath…push…

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later… And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. Why? Dont ye believe me?

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.”

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, How did you do it?

The guy answers, To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him