Old and New Jokes

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE—REPLACEMENT PHRASE

NO FUCKING WAY —Im fairly sure thats not feasible

YOURE FUCKING KIDDING —Really?

TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK—Have you run that by…….

NO BASTARD TOLD ME —I wasnt involved in that.

I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME —Perhaps I can stay and work on that.

WHO FUCKING CARES —Are you sure thats a problem?

EAT SHIT & DIE —You dont say.

EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER—You dont say, sir.

KISS MY ASS—So, youd like me to help you.

HES A FUCKING PRICK—Hes somewhat insensitive.

SHES A BALL BREAKING BITCH —Shes an agressive go getter.

YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE—You could use some more training.

THIS PLACE IS FUCKED—Were a little disorganised today.

WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU?—Youre new here, arent you?

FUCK OFF SHITHEAD—Well, there you go.

YOURE A FUCKING WANKER —Youre a senior member: I respect you.

HA! SUCK EGGS—I wasnt there that night.

YOURE FUCKING PARANOID—So, youre from Brisbane.

YOURE FUCKING USELESS—So, youre from Melbourne.

FUCK OFF—Ill look into it and get back to you.

FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD—Weve got enough members thanks.

HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? —Well done!

YOU FUCKING LOSER—Gee, that was unfortunate.

LIKE FUCKING HELL—I dont believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

You might be a redneck if…
Youre moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howard Hughes!
Howard Hughes who?
Howard Huges like a punch on the nose?

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Doctor, Ive got this problem, a man says.

My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.

So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.

Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued. I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.

I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.

You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.

Superman está muy excitado y llega volando a la bati-cueva y le dice a Batman:

Hey, Batman, que tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.

Batman le contesta: No esta noche superman, hoy me toca limpiar el batimóvil y no puedo.

What the hell, Batman, vamos, no seas aburrido.

Lo siento, Superman pero yo no puedo combatir al hampa con el batimóvil sucio será otro día.

Y Superman salió volando encojonado a toda velocidad hacia el océano y se sumergió hasta donde estaba Aquaman…

Hey, Aquaman, how are you doing, qué tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.

No hoy superman. Tengo que alimentar a los delfines, tú sabes que yo sin los delfines no puedo combatir el crimen, lo siento sera otro día.

Superman le mostró el dedo y salió disparado a volar sobre la ciudad, cuando de pronto a través de una ventana se percata de que está la Mujer Maravilla tumbada boca arriba, en pelotas, abierta como un zamuro en el sol.

Superman dijo ¡Yes! y se metió por la ventana, se quitó la ropa, se le echó encima y se la tiro 40 veces (claro a la velocidad de la luz, ustedes saben), se paró, se vistió y salió volando por la ventana. Todo esto en tres segundos.

La Mujer Maravilla se sienta en la cama rápidamente y dice, ¡Fuck… qué diablos fue eso!

Y contesta el hombre invisible: No se, ¡pero el culo me lo reventó!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ?Hurry!? she said. ?Stand in the corner.? She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ?Don?t move until I tell you to,? she whispered. ?Just pretend you?re a statue.?

?What?s this, honey?? the husband inquired as he entered the room. ?Oh, it?s just a statue,? she replied nonchalantly. ?The Smith?s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.? No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two o? clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ?Here,? he said to the ?statue,? ?Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths? for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.?

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a firemans hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, Son, I dont want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dogs neck you would go faster.

Maybe so, said the little boy, But then Id lose my siren!

He sits down at the bar. The bartender thinks, as he walks towards the gorilla, Hey, thats a gorilla. Hes probably pretty dumb… I can charge him a lot for his drink, and he wont know the difference!Whatll you have? the bartender asks the gorilla.Ill have a gin and tonic.Coming right up. The bartender makes the drink and sets it in front of the gorilla. Thatll be $13.50.The gorilla pulls out his wallet and pays the bartender.Its kind of a slow night, so the bartender starts to make small talk with the gorilla. You know, he said, we dont get many gorillas in here.The gorilla says, Well, at these prices, I can believe it!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.

I am, replied the woman. How did you know?

Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.

The woman below responded, You must be in management.

I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!