Old and New Jokes

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet…

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A fur coat that fangs around your neck…

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Q: Whats the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

Q: What goes, clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang! clippity clop, clippity clop?

A: A drive by shooting in an amish neighborhood!

I was at the butchers shop the other day when he said, Ill give you those pieces of meat, the ones up there hanging off the ceiling, if you can jump up and touch them.

I said, No way. The steaks are too high.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kareem!
Kareem who?
Kareem of the crop!

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.

Un hombre muere y va al infierno. Allí se encuentra con que hay un infierno para cada país. Va primero al infierno alemán y pregunta:

¿Qué te hacen acá?

Aquí primero te ponen en la picana eléctrica por una hora, luego te acuestan en una cama llena de clavos por otra hora, y el resto del día viene el diablo alemán y te da de latigazos.

Al personaje no le gustó nada y se fue a ver en qué consistían los otros infiernos. Tanto el estadounidense como el ruso y el resto de los infiernos de distintas naciones hacían lo mismo que el alemán; entonces, ve que en el infierno argentino hay una fila llena de gente esperando entrar. Intrigado, pregunta al último de la fila:

¿Qué es lo que hacen acá?

Aquí te ponen en una picana eléctrica por una hora, luego en una cama llena de clavos por otra hora, y el resto del día viene el diablo argentino y te da de latigazos.

Pero es exactamente igual a los otros infiernos, ¿por qué aquí hay tanta gente queriendo entrar?

Porque la picana no anda porque no hay electricidad, los clavos de la cama se los robaron todos y el diablo viene, ficha y se va.