Old and New Jokes

Yo Mama so fat she has more crack than Harlem

Son: Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? Dad: Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, cause I still have mine.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the Zambonis machine.

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!

Conversaban dos hombres en un bar cuando uno pregunta:

Disculpa la pregunta, ¿pero a ti te cae bien tu suegra?

No, para nada.

Entonces ¿por qué llevas una fotografía de ella en el paquete de cigarrillos?

¡Ah! Es que quiero dejar de fumar.

LLega un tontito a la tienda y pregunta:

¿Vende cigarros sueltos?

No, responde el tendero.

El tontito regresa unos dias después y pregunta de nuevo:

¿Vende cigarros sueltos?

No, pero pronto voy a vender.

¡Ah, que bueno!, responde el tontito y se va.

Regresa una semana después:

¿Ya tiene cigarros sueltos?

Sí, ¿cuántos quieres?

Veinte.

The Tearful Bride…



A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, Robert doesnt appreciate what I do for him.



Now, now, her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.



No, mother, you dont understand.

I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!



Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom.

Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.



No, mother it wasnt the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?



Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –

Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska!

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. None, they all fly away with the first gunshot. The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologized and said, I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.