Old and New Jokes

Go where the money is.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.

Q. Why dont women blink during foreplay?

A. It doesnt last long enough!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, Im not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. Hes obviously fielded this question many times.
One day, he begins, I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, You now have 3 wishes.
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, What will be your second wish?
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream. She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

Nintendo is planning to introduce a new toy for Christmas. It called the Game Girl.

Game Girl is not suitable for boys below 15 years. Game Girl is available in two versions; the pocket Game Girl and the Game Girl 64. With the introduction of the new toy Nintendo hopes that its sales would double by the end of 98.

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldnt afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.

My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago. My
sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was
throwing out. A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece
aloud without laughing. Neither I nor my sister can do it.

[Ed: From comedian Henry Morgan]

The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. Im not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.

He replied..Sure…Id love to take another stab at it..!!!

Una honesta niña de siete años admitió calmadamente a sus papás que su compañerito Luis Fernando la había besado después de la clase.

¿Cómo sucedió eso? preguntó asombrada su mamá.

No fue fácil, admitió la pequeña señorita, pero tres niñas me ayudaron a agarrarlo.