Old and New Jokes

Some humourous items from the Graffiti collections in rec.humor:
(Graffiti, and some things people have written underneath it.)

FREE NELSON MANDELLA
(with proof of purchase)

SAVE SOVIET JEWS!
WIN VALUABLE PRIZES

SAVE THE WHALES!
Collect the entire set

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. Yes sir, its fresh ground.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause were leaving.

The mother went in and told her son, we dont use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
12. Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

(from The Laugh Page Humor Archives)

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.

Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.

Max said, I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00

So Abie goes over to Moishes and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.

He storms at Mr Jones. I thought you met Moishes prices?

I did, said Mr Jones, $4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.

Once a desi Indian fellow from some remote village happened to visit America alone.

Reaching there, he, clad in dhoti kurta, found most of the gentlemen dressed in suits. Unknowingly he just caught a man wearing a tie and asked pointing finger to the tie, what is this?, he replied Its a neck tie.

The man then holding the desi mans dhoti from finger asked and whats this.
Desi consciously replied.Oh its a back tie.

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Rosey and Nina
were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced
that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on
recently.
"Good," Nina exclaimed. "Im ready to start a diet too.
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the
urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, Ill call you first."
"Great," Rosey replied. "Ill ride with you to Burger
King."