Old and New Jokes

England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realizes that the tourist does not know what a handicap is. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does —
backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

1. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.

2. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill
open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my
unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me
a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened
his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again
and made another offer.

Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle.

The Rules (by Her)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnt paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

There are two solutions to the problem in Eastern Europe, the practical solution and the miraculous solution.

The practical solution is that the Virgin Mary and the Archangels Gabriel and Michael would come down and set things straight. That is the practical solution.

The miraculous solution is the Eastern Europeans would learn to compromise.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.



Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.



Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!