Old and New Jokes

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure. Go right ahead, says the Almighty.

OK, Jim says, Why did you make women so pretty?

So you would like them, God replies.

All right then, Jim nods, but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?

So you would LOVE them, God replies.

Jim ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such air heads?

God replies, So THEY would love YOU!

En una iglesia de Tontilandia, el sacerdote está oficiando la misa cuando, de pronto, comienza a sentirse un terremoto. El clérigo, asustado, los conmina:

,Hijos, hijos, recemos un padrenuestro.

Todos comienzan:

Padre nuestro…

Pero el temblor alcanza mayor intensidad, y el sacerdote vuelve a mandar:

Hijos, hijos, recemos un avemaría.

Los feligreses rezan:

Ave María…

Pero la intensidad del sismo arrecia, y las tablas del techo ceden y empiezan a caer. Angustiado, el párroco advierte:

Hijos, hijos, las tablas.

Asustados, los presentes comienzan:

1 x 1= 1; 1 x 2= 2…

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

You know youre drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other peoples fingernails. Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend. You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named Joe. You dont need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. You dont sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Youve worn the finish off your coffee table. The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while its running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You dont tan, you roast. You cant even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail.

I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators.

Consider:

Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff hes got, he says, Elves make it for me.
Santa doesnt care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Theirpersonalities.

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a joung housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.

Jeez, says the mailman, this is great, but whats with the two dollars?

Well she replies,since youre retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, Fuck him – give him a couple of bucks! Breakfast was my idea.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.


It opens at noon, answers the clerk.


About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.


What time does the bar open? he asks.


Same time as before… Noon, replies the clerk.


Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?


The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can have room service send something up to you.


No… I dont wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!