Old and New Jokes

A true story.

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to
visit the local Bell of Pa. office. The line wasnt clearly formed, and
there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear as to who was
next.

When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
After you.

I smiled at him and said, No, please, after you. I have all day.

The he said, No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six
months.

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. Ive been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
• Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

• Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
  the largest ball of twine.

• Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Not have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Start being superstitious.
• Personal goal: bring back disco.
• Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
• Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

• Buy an 83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
  system.

• Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
  words.

• Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
  chain or rope for a belt.

• Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
• Not eat cloned meat.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Not believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
• Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
• Stay off the MIR space station.
• Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
• Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Associate with even worse business clients.

• Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
  them.

• Wait around for opportunity.
• Focus on the faults of others.

• Mope about my faults.

Heres one I heard on the radio recently.

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that hes
downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he
wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As hes walking down the
steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son
pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, What are you doing? I
thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a
nail into the wall? His son replied, This isnt a nail, dad, its a worm. I
put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock.

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, Ill tell you what
son, give me those chemicals and Ill give you a new Volkswagon. His son
quite naturally said, Sure why not.

The next day his son went into the garage
to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just
then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His
dad replied, Its right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes
is from your mother.

pz2a@naqerj.pzh.rqh

Q: Whats the major cause of divorce?

A: Once is not enough.

Fill it with gas.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesnt even serve Happy Meals.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words Etch-a-sketch on it.

9. Its celebrity spokesman is that Hey Vern! guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friends car.

7. Its slogan is Pentium: redefining mathematics.

6. The quick reference manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, Aint it break time yet?

3. The manual contains only one sentence: Good Luck!

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. Youve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, I still cant tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.

So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?

The man on the ground yells back, Youre in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.

George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer.

How can you tell?, inquires Harry.

George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.