Old and New Jokes

The first is a cunning array of stunts!

The Rabbi is retiring after 50 years work so he goes to one of his congregation who is a leatherworker and reveals his lifelong indulgence.I have kept ever circumcised foreskin from every boy in my congregation and I have long planned to make something from them for my retirement so that I may remember them all in the twilight of my life.Ok says the leatherworker give me a week to think about it.A week later he goes back and the leatherworker says I’ve got an idea but it will take some work, give me a month.A month later the rabbi returns and he tells him I need another month so he waits another month and goes back.Ok it’s ready says the leatherworker just see what I made you…. A beautiful wallet.The Rabbi says A WALLET A WALLET?
My life’s work and you give me a wallet?Ah says the leatherworker but this is no ordinary wallet………You rub it and it turns into a suitcase!

CONTADOR: Es el que sabe el costo de todo y el valor de nada.

AUDITOR: Es el que llega después de la batalla y patea a los heridos.

BANQUERO: Es un tipo que te presta su paraguas cuando hay un sol radiante y te lo reclama al instante que empieza a llover (Mark Twain).

ECONOMISTA: Es un experto que sabrá mañana por qué lo que predijo ayer no sucedió hoy.

ESTADÍSTICO: Es alguien que es bueno con los números pero carece de personalidad suficiente como para ser contador.

ACTUARIO: Es alguien que lleva una bomba de mentiras cuando vuela, porque eso disminuye las posibilidades de que haya otra bomba en el mismo avión. (Laurence J. Peter).

PROGRAMADOR: Es el que te resuelve un problema que no sabías que tenías de una manera que no comprendes.

FÍSICO CUÁNTICO: Es un hombre ciego en un cuarto oscuro, buscando un gato negro que no esta allí.

ABOGADO: Es una persona que escribe un documento de 10.000 palabras y lo llama sumario (Franz Kafka).

PSICÓLOGO: Es aquel que mira a todos los demás cuando una mujer atractiva entra en la habitación.

CONSULTOR: Es alguien que te saca el reloj de tu muñeca, te dice la hora y te cobra por ello.

DIPLOMÁTICO: Es quien te dice que te vayas a la tiznada de un modo tal que te quedas ansioso de que empiece el viaje.

ARQUITECTO: Es alguien que no es lo suficientemente gay como para ser decorador de interiores ni lo suficientemente hombre como para ser ingeniero.

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, Im very sorry officer, I didnt realize it was out, Ill get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said, I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for Johns license and after looking at it said, Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didnt realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, Jessica, will you shut up!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied, only when hes drunk.

When the judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
Crook, come forward. Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons with long strings?

A: So the crabs can go bungee jumping!

[Ed: A JEDR is an generic acronym for a Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race. It is
pronounced Jedder.]

A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig
fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs through the phone
book for Red Adairs number (Red is a famous oil-firefighter). Foreman finds
the number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since hes fighting an
off-shore rig fire in Southern California.

Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adair,
a Red <suitable JEDR surname>, advertising rig fire services at $100 per
hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adair anyway, the guy calls and
describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene
within the hour.

True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the
scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a
grungy 68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing,
the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back
jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running
around, proceed to beat out the fire completely.

Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum)
The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the
prompt and effective work. Man, this will REALLY help, says Red.

Oh? says the foreman. How so?

Now I can go buy brakes for the truck.

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

How did Moses part the Red Sea?

With a seesaw!

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh…. whats a lightbulb???