Old and New Jokes

Ceremonioso, un agente del servicio secreto estadounidense se dirige al Presidente Bush:

Señor Presidente: ¡Las gemelas, las gemelas!

¡¿Qué?! ¡Otra vez tomando esas desgraciadas!

The phone call…



A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.



The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,

How should I know, thats 200 miles from here! and hung up.



Curious, the husband said, Who was that?



And his lovely wife replies, I dont any idea who it was.

It was some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.

These were located on the Net as feedback received from college students on various issues:

This class was a religious experience for me… I had to take it all on faith.
Text makes a satisfying thud when dropped on the floor.
The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.
His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread text.
Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?
In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.
Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.
The instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Text is useless; used it to kill roaches in my room.
In class the syllabus is more important than you.
Im convinced you can learn by osmosis by sitting in class.
Help! Ive fallen asleep and I cant wake up!
I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified, then solidarity kicked in.
Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions.
I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on tapes.
Text was printed on high quality paper.

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown?

A: Does this taste funny to you?

Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors
to look carefully at his client.

Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the
lawyer, youve looked carefully at the defendant.

Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe
that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?

He was acquitted.

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys tit. Kelly said. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

For those who have been around long enough to remember mainframes …

Several women are in a bar, talking about the veracity of their lovers. One in the party has been silent throughout the conversation.

Sally, your not saying anything. What about your lover, is he as good as these others weve been hearing about?

Well, my boyfriend is an IBM salesman. All he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how great it will be when I finally get it.

Maybe we should update this by changing IBM to MicroSoft (e.g., Office version I.O.U)

Sintomatología típica ocasionada por el consumo de cerveza

(Guía práctica de reconocimiento y resolución)

Síntoma: Pies fríos y húmedos.

Causa: El vaso está siendo agarrado en ángulo incorrecto.

Solución: Gire el vaso hasta que la parte abierta esté hacia arriba.

Síntoma: Pies calientes y mojados.

Causa: Ud. se ha orinado.

Solución: Vaya a secarse al baño más próximo.

Síntoma: La pared de enfrente está llena de focos.

Causa: Se ha caído de espaldas al suelo.

Solución: Ubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.

Síntoma: Su boca está llena de colillas de cigarrillos.

Causa 1: Ud. se cayó de cara al suelo.

Causa 2: Ud. metió la cara en el cenicero.

Solución: Reubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.

Síntoma: El suelo está borroso.

Causa: Ud. está mirando a través del fondo de un vaso vacío.

Solución: Compre otra cerveza.

Síntoma: La gente habla produciendo un misterioso eco.

Causa: Tiene la jarra de cerveza en la oreja.

Solución: Deje de hacerse el payaso.

Síntoma: El escusado es de oro.

Causa: Se está usted orinando en el saxofón.

Solución: Pida disculpas al músico y lárguese.

Síntoma: Reflejo múltiple de caras en el agua del vaso o sanitario.

Causa: Está intentando vomitar.

Solución: Métase el dedo (en la garganta).

Síntoma: La sala quedó completamente a oscuras.

Causa: El bar cerró.

Solución: Pregunte al camarero la dirección de su casa.

Síntoma: El suelo se está moviendo.

Causa: Está siendo cargado o arrastrado.

Solución: Pregunte si le están llevando a otro bar.

Síntoma: Todo a su alrededor se está moviendo mucho.

Causa: Está en un coche.

Solución: Pida que le lleven a casa.

Síntoma: El chofer del taxi es un elefante rosado.

Causa: Ud. bebió muchísimo.

Solución: Pida al elefante que le lleve al hospital más cercano.

Síntoma: La discoteca se mueve mucho y la música es muy repetitiva.

Causa: Está en una ambulancia.

Solución: No moverse; posible coma etílico.

Síntoma: Un enorme foco de la discoteca le ciega la vista.

Causa: Está usted en la calle y ya es de día.

Solución: Ir a dormir la mona a su casa.

Síntoma: No tiene hijos y su mujer tiene 60 años.

Causa: Se equivocó de portal.

Solución: Suba un piso más y vaya a dormir a su casa.

Síntoma: Su amigo no le hace caso.

Causa: Está hablando con un buzón de correos.

Solución: Busque a su amigo para que le lleve a casa.

A monk joins a abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. Hes concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies. If someone makes a mistake, he points out. It would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would continue to be made.A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy is alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.Father? the monk whispers.
oh lord jesus, the priest wails. The word is celebrate.

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliffs edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, Oh, my God, Clem, were gonna die!

Aw, dont worry about a thing, Clem reassured him, looking below. Theres a stop sign at the bottom.

The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

Wheres the fire? called the chief.

Aint no fuckin fire, replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, but who the hell wouldve rescued me if Id yelled, Shit! Shit! Shit!?