Old and New Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

>Apasionada y hondamente la quiero a Ud. jo-

ven y hermosa y como es natural yo deseo proce-

>der con prontitud y eficacia, al fin de pre-

sentarla luego en el altar de la iglesia y no enga-

>ñarla vilmente, pues pienso que usted es la más pu-

ra y mujer inimitable de la mujer buena y cas-

>ta que pudo haber existido.

>Asímismo, deseo depositar en usted el se-

creto de mi alma, e impedir que mis venas se que-

>men con ardiente pasión, y después de haber for-

malizado nuestras relaciones y haber comu-

>nicado a su mamá y hermanas quedará mi ver-

dadera pasión correspondida, a fin de que la ha-

>ga feliz con tanta pasión.

>La verdad le digo, que el más afortunado cu-

pido mirándonos dichoso con tan ardiente anhe-

>lo envidiaría nuestra dicha; créame que co-

nocer la felicidad matrimonial que desea toda mu-

>jer, es lo más importante en la vida.

Su enamorado.

(Ahora lee sólo los párrafos marcados con >)

A mans daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head proppped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.



I guess you were expecting me, he said. No, who are you? said the father. the minister told him his name and then remarked, I see the empty chair; I figured you knew i was going to show up. Oh yea, the chair, said the bed ridden man. Would you mind closing the door? Puzzled, the minister shut the door.



I have never told anyone this not even my daughter, said the man, but all of my life i have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer, the old man continuted, until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest.



Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. Its not spooky, because he promised, Ill be with you always. Then just speak to him in the same way youre doing with me. right now. So, I tried it and Ive liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. Im careful though, if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, shed either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.



The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her Daddy had died that afternoon. Did he die in peace? he asked.



Yes, and when i left the house about two oclock, he called me over to his bedside and told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When i got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently just before daddy died he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?



The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, I wish we could all go like that.

NICKNAMES



If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.



If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



EATING OUT



When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.



A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesnt want.



BATHROOMS



A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.



The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



ARGUMENTS



A woman has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



CATS



Women love cats.



Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.



FUTURE



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.



A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.



A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.



DRESSING UP



A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the



garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING



Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santas elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

Im just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

To walk up and down a mall. occasionally resting to make a purchase

Where does Monica Lewinsky go for sex on Friday night?

The Oval Office.

Backups? We don NEED no steenking backups.

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctors office first and asked if he understood that hed be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "Id be half blind." "Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "Id be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free. On Jons way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "Id be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "Id be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.



When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.



When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, What are you doing? Swallowing them?



The man replied sarcastically, No, Im shoving them up my arse!!!