Old and New Jokes

Un tipo se preciaba de cuidar su cuerpo; levantaba pesas y trotaba seis millas diarias. Una mañana, al estar admirando su cuerpo frente al espejo, notó que había cogido un bonito bronceado por todo su cuerpo, menos en el pene, y decidió hacer algo por remediarlo. Fue a la playa, se desnudó, se enterró completamente en la arena, exceptuando el miembro, para que pudiera broncearse con el sol.

Un rato más tarde, pasan dos señoras mayores, una de ellas se apoyaba en un bastón para caminar mejor. De pronto, ven eso emergiendo de la arena y la del bastón empieza a tocarlo con el mismo. Entonces dice a su amiga:

¡Realmente el mundo no es justo!

¿Qué quieres decir?, inquiere la amiga.

Cuando tenía 20 años, estaba curiosa por verlo; cuando tenía 30 años, lo disfruté; cuando tenía 40, lo pedí; cuando tenía 50, pagué por él; cuando tenía 60, rogué por él; cuando tuve 70, se me olvidó que existía; y, ahora que tengo 80, esas cosas crecen silvestres y… ¡Ya no me puedo agachar!

A blonde just bought a new $80,000 sports car. She was driving it for the first time when a very large truck driver motions for her to pull over.

A little afraid, she does as shes told. The truck driver draws a white circle with chalk and tells the blonde to get out of her car and stand in the circle and dont move.

She does as shes told, and the truck driver gets out a knife and starts cutting her leather seats.

She starts laughing. The truck driver asks, Why are you laughing?

She just kept laughing, so the truck driver starts pouring gas all over her seats.

The blonde starts cracking up, and he asks, Why are you laughing?

She just kept laughing,so the truck driver pulled out his knife again and pops all her tires, she starts laughing histarically. He asks, Why are you laughing? She answers, Well, when you werent looking I stepped out of the circle three times…

After several years of marriage, Debbies husband, Mike, died
suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and
placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink
coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room,
removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mikes ashes into
a small dish on the coffee table.

Mike, my beloved Mike, she began, I wish to talk to you. Mike,
do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well,
here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

And, Mike, she continued, do you remember, for several years
you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike.
Do you like it?

Well, Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mikes ashes into the air,
theres that blow job I was promising you.

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: There aint no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked What do you mean by that?

Well, she said, when I was 20 I was curious about it,

when I was 30 I enjoyed it.

When I was 40 I asked for it.

When I was 50 I paid for it.

When I was 60 I prayed for it.

When I was 70 I forgot about it.

And now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild and Im too old too squat.

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

A: Shut the door, Im dressing!

Whats the advantage of being married to a blonde?

You can park in handicapped zones.