Old and New Jokes

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.

(And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

(Glad to hear it.)

My compensation should be at least equal to my age.

(And bonuses tied to his shoe size?)

I am very detail-oreinted.

(With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others.

(Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

(A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

(Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year.

(They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager.

(Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

(So youre willing to travel?)

Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.

(Definitely to the point.)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.

(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job.

(Were glad youre not bitter.)

Banta Singh, wanting to rob State Bank of Patiala, walked into the branch and wrote this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the bank and crossed the street to State Bank of India. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the SBI teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a State Bank of Patiala deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a State Bank of India deposit slip or go back to State Bank of Patiala.

Looking somewhat defeated, Banta said OK and left. The SBI teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at State Bank of Patiala.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????

Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing? I wouldnt know what to say, the girl replied. Just say what you hear Mommy say, the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks werent too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest
night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple
of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking
the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wifes bedroom door.

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

Husband: Guess who?

Wife: I know who it is!

Husband: Guess what I want?

Wife: I know what you want!

Husband: Guess what Im knockin with?

So theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,OK for you. and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says, Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astounded. He cant understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says – Good morning, Im THOR!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says –

YOUR THOR…IM SO THOR I CANT PITH!

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While hes there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, Ill have a C monkey, please.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying Thatll be $5,000. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, That was a very expensive monkey – most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?

Oh, says the shopkeeper, that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shopkeeper, That ones even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?

Oh, says the shopkeeper, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?

Well, says the shopkeeper, I dont know if it does anything, but it says its a Consultant.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.""Well," answered the priest, "thats not a sin.""But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed.""I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.""Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…""What is that, my son?""Do I have to tell him the war is over?"