Old and New Jokes

En conocido bar se realiza una redada policiaca y son detenidas 20 prostitutas y un borracho. Con el fin de integrar la averiguación, el agente del ministerio publico comienza a interrogar, una por una, a las golfas.

“A ver señorita, ¿usted a que se dedica?”

“Pues, yo soy secretaria ejecutiva”.

La siguiente:

“Yo soy ama de casa”.

Otra:

“Soy administradora de empresas”.

Una más:

“Yo soy doctora”

Y así, pasan todas las chicas hasta que le toca al borracho:

“¡Ah, chinga, chinga, ahora resulta que la puta soy yo!”

El Vía Crudis es un periodo de recogimiento espiritual donde diariamente, los parroquianos de todos los bares y cantinas de la arquidiócesis se ponen a cargar con la Cruz de su Parroquia.

Los parroquianos del Vía Crudis son muy devotos de las bebidas espirituosas, y cada bebida espirituosa tiene su Santo Patrono.

Estos son los principales venerables que componen el santoral de las bebidas espirituosas:

SAN CUBAS TADEO, el santo patrono del ron con refresco de cola, es sin duda uno de los santos más populares. Le tienen devoción los parroquianos de todas las clases y condiciones sociales.

SAN MARTINI DE PORRES, la figura más venerada de los cócteles, es un santo muy sofisticado y cosmopolita.

SAN GRIA es un santo dulce y de sabor afrutado. Siempre refrescante, San Gria esta muy relacionado con la uva.

SAN JOSÉ CUERVO, patrono del agave tequilero, ha cobrado mucha popularidad últimamente y ha pasado de ser un santo populachero a un santo elitista.

SAN GRITA, compañero inseparable de San José Cuervo, es un santo picosito que sirve como botana.

SAN PEDRO DOMECQ, originario del Valle Calafia, es un santo dedicado a las Bebidas de uva, sobre todo al brandy y a los vinos.

SAN BUCA es un santo digestivo originario de Italia.

SANTA CLARA es la santa patrona de las monjas del rompope. La hermana Engracia es la Madre Superiora de la orden que le rinde culto a Santa Clara.

SANTA CLAUS, además de ser el gordito sonriente y bonachón que todas las Navidades les trae regalos a los niños que se portan bien, es el padrino de la sidra que trae como regalo burbujas de sabor.

SANTA CHELA, de distintos orígenes, pero pocos le hacen gestos, es una santa que siempre ha gozado de popularidad.

Y por ultimo, SANTA CRUZ. Una santa muy temida, pero de la que nadie se salva, pues es la que se sufre al día siguiente de haber rendido culto a cualquiera de los santos mencionados con anterioridad.

¿Y TU DE QUIEN ERES DEVOTO?

Pro

Long relationships Allowed to stay out late Easy weight loss Centuries of experience Immune to all venereal diseases Always has amazing stamina Loves neck nibbling Rarely interested in arguing religion Never comes home with garlic breath Dont have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.



Con



Spend your time in a hypnotic daze Parents can be hell You always feel tired (loss of blood) Oral sex can be lethal Always has cold feet (and blood) Never able to spend the day in bed Pet names that give you chills Strange friends Giggles at funerals Hard to win an argument No romantic sunsets May forget own strength during orgasm

When society looks towards the lavatory for its humor,
the writing is on the walls.

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.


It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.


The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, were supposed to execute you but well let you go if you pass 3 tests.


There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.


In the second is the Sheiks favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.


In the third is the Sheiks favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.


The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.


The Arabs hear nothing but loud roaring and the shredding of fabric. Then dead silence. They are sure he is dead. A few moments later however, the young man emerges unscathed but his clothes are in tatters. He exclaims, Well I believe that should do it for the Sheiks Favorite Wife — now wheres that Lion with the thorn in his paw?!

They both go down for the Count.

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. ——————————-

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A man took his family to a Chinese resaurant one night. After being seated and having their drinks delivered, the waiter recited the specialites of the evening.

We have moo shoo chicken, chicken almondine, beef and 5 star vegetable and lasagna.

The man was surprised and exclaimed .. but this is a Chinese restaurant!

The waiter replied, Yes, but this is a Jewish neighborhood.

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:



1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

OKay, this chick walks into a pharmacy. Theres a guy at the counter.

The chick says, Doctor! I need your help!



He says What do you need?



She takes off her shirt and shes got this big O on her chest. She says, How do I get rid of this?



The doctor said, howd it happen?



She goes, Well, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, he wears his Oklahoma University jacket!



The doctor said Just tell him to take it off.



She said OK.



And then this other chick walks in with the same problem and goes,Doctor! Help! Ive got a big F on my chest!



He was like, Holy crap, another girl with the same problem? and he says, Just tell him to take it off.



And she said OK.



And then this third chick walks in with the same problem and says, Doctor! Help! Ive got a big W on my chest!



The doctor was thinking, What the hell! Same thing again! He says, Lemme guess. Your boy friend goes to Wisconsin U and when he has sex with you he wears his jacket.



And she says, Well, not quite. My girlfriend goes to Michigan.