Old and New Jokes

A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, No, you cant play with the boys, theyre too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says: Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out. God replies, No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Tailor says: Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them. God replies, No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Architect says: Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room

Ive been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

Q.) How many cochroaches does it take to turn on a light?

A.) No one knows…when the light comes on they all scatter!

Why does an [ethnic] mans eyes turn red after sex?

Because of the mace.

Ive learned that you shouldnt compare yourself to others –
they are more screwed up than you think.

A Ku Klux Klan member, on Morton Downey:

Now Ive tried to set you straight on this. I am not against blacks.
Im against all non-whites.

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.

This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says, That is very impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.

The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says, That is really impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, If it works for the other two… So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, Why is the fly not dead?

And the Jewish samurai replies – Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pammy!
Pammy who?
Pammy the key, the door is locked!

Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.