Old and New Jokes

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?

Morris replied, God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* … the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!

Wow, commented Dr. Cohen, Thats incredible!

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morriss wife. Becky, he said, Morris is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?

Becky replied, The darn fool! … Hes peeing in the fridge again!

Funny Bumper Stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

* Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Keep honking…Im reloading

A woman approached Brigham Young one day and started asking him a few questions.

You are Brigham Young? she asked.

I am. he replied.

The leader of the Mormon Church?

I am.

The man who claims all other Christian traditions save Mormonism are false?

I am.

The woman starts to get noticeably disturbed.

The man who believes in pologamy as appropriate conduct?

I am.

Her anger increases, and she continues.

The man who has twenty-six wives?

I am.

This sends her into a full rage.

You, sir, should be hung!

I am.

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassadors wife was talking
with Madame deGaulle.

Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?

A penis, replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer…and
no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, appiness.

Estaba una señora con bigotes sentada a fuera de su casa, cuando de pronto pasa Pepito y se le queda viendo fijamente y sin avanzar.

Entonces la señora se molesta y le dice: ¿Qué nunca habías visto una mujer con bigotes?

Y Pepito le contesta:

¡Gratis, no!

Manolo y Venancio van de cacería, pero como no tenían perros, deciden ir a la casa de un amigo a conseguirlos. El camarada les presta tres de sus mejores perros.

Dos horas más tarde, los tontilandeses regresan con el amigo:

“¿No tienes otros tres perros más que nos prestes?”

“¿Otros tres?”, pregunta asombrado el amigo.

“¡Sí, es que los otros tres perros que nos prestaste ya los cazamos!”

Una vez Tarzan tuvo sexo con Jane y esta se embaraza. Pasan los nueve meses de gestación y al momento de parir tiene un niño negro.

Los dos angustiados se preguntan por que tienen un hijo negro si ellos dos son blancos, a lo que Jane dice: Vamos con los animales de la selva a ver si nos pueden ayudar, Tarzán.

Van primero con la jirafa y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán Blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

Y la jirafa le contesta: No se que pasó, vayan con el elefante a ver si los ayuda.

Van con el elefante y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

A lo que el elefante contesta: No se que pasó, vayan con el mono a ver si el les puede ayudar.

Van con el mono y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

Y el mono le dice: Si serán pendejos, Tarzán caliente, Jane caliente, niño quemado…

Yo Mama so fat she has more crack than Harlem

Son: Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? Dad: Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, cause I still have mine.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the Zambonis machine.