Old and New Jokes

Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Why are you shaking? Shes going to eat me!

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers.

Dear (her name) or babe,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be just like your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

Sometime ago there was a list of reasons why beer is better than women;
the women responded with their reasons why cucumbers are better than
men. Heres an attempt at making peace..

9 Reasons Why Beer May Not Be As Great As Women.

1. A beer bottle doesnt look any better with its labels off.
   
2. Peeling off beer labels isnt as much fun.
   
3. You can suck a beer at only one spot.
   
4. Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.
   
5. The bottom of a beer can isnt very interesting.
   
6. You cant eat a beer.
   
7. You cant buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday.
   
8. Theres a law about driving after having too many beers
   
9. You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.
   

Ali Shaik uunet!philabs!ams

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds, I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back?

I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, Ill take the Mexican.

The difference between men and women: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: PIG!!

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with B—–!



They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

Demians Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.

Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.