Old and New Jokes

No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize a cat.

Theres this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police, they say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring

back more than you took.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasnt you. -$50.00.

En el ejército, el general llama a sus soldados y les pregunta uno a uno:

Soldado Gutiérrez, ¿sus botas?

Me las robaron, mi general.

¡Como, cien de pecho!

Soldado Echeverri, ¿sus botas?

Me las robaron, mi general.

¡Como, cien de pecho!

Y por ultimo pregunta:

Soldado Jimenez, ¿sus botas?

En el maletín, mi general.

Muy bien soldado, ¿y su maletín?

Me lo robaron, mi general.

A: To avoid the draft.

Twas the night before Payback…

Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,

The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osamas been praying, hes down on his knees,

Hes hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that wed fall and shatter,

But all that hes done is just make us madder.

We havent yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And well kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,

Youll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we aint forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he aint forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,

Theyll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,

Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,

Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I wont be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,

Its Red, White, and Blue thats running this show!

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. You kjnow, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. Joe thinks this is a great idea,so they pool their money and buy everything theyll need; a tower, an elastic cord, Insurance, etc. They travel to mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are construting the tower, a crwod begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isnt able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.

This time he comes back up pretty messed up hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long? Barely able to speak, Al gasps No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd…. What the hell is a pinata?

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didnt have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea–it can be cured.