Old and New Jokes

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on Christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: Honey, Honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!

Husband: Huh, what was it?

Wife: In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!

Husband: Well, it was my dick, right? Wife: No, it was Dennis Rodmans!

The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: Honey, I had the most amazing dream! Wife: What was it?

Husband: In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussys. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!

Wife: Was it mine?

Husband: No, yours was holding the tree up!

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.

Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.



So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.



Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we dont even have a fridge to keep it in.

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, he laments, and she doesnt even know how to drive!

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it, he chuckles. My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesnt even have a penis!

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? asks a little old lady, terrified.

Yes, Im afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

And if I do this, the sharks wont eat me any more? asks the little lady.

Oh, they will eat you all right, only they wont enjoy it so much.

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wifes grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.

No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. Id do it myself, but Id get arrested for indecent exposure!

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying I dont want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.The instructor said, During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back shes crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

He also said he wants to screw me all night long!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasnt doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says Im sorry Honey, – but Im not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!