Old and New Jokes

ITS NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men………

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, youre a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, youre a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, its male indifference.

If you cry, youre a wimp.

If you dont, youre an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, its wife bashing.

If she thumps you, its self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination.

If she asks you, its a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, youre a pervert.

If you dont, youre a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, youre sexist.

If you dont, youre unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain.

If you dont, youre a slob.

If you buy her flowers, youre after something.

If you dont, youre not thoughtful.

If youre proud of your achievements, youre up on yourself.

If you dont, youre not ambitious.

If she has a headache, shes tired.

If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore.

If you want it too often, youre oversexed.

If you dont, there must be someone else.

I work for the computer help desk of a large university. One of our more memorable clients is infamous for what I can only describe as techno-paranoia. The last time she called to tell us we were going to have to do something about the Internet Communists.

She was convinced that they were getting into her PC through her television and putting typographical errors in her word processing files. They werent there before, she insisted, and I dont make those kinds of mistakes!

Resulta que Tom Cruise, Leo Di Caprio y Michael Reiziger se van al Cielo. Cuando llegan, San Pedro les advierte que no deben pisar una nube negra, porque les pasaría algo terrible. Al día siguiente se encuentran y Cruise va con una tía feísima. Le preguntan por qué y él les responde que pisó una nube negra y salió ese callo que no se separa de él.

Dos días después, lo mismo pero con Leo Di Caprio. Y al siguiente se encuentran a Reiziger con una tía de bandera. Le preguntan que cómo se lo ha hecho y él responde:

Ella pisó una nube negra y.. ¡salí yo como castigo!

La maestra de Pepito, había encargado a la clase una composición sobre la mosca, donde por lo menos, debían escribir 100 palabras.

En el momento de revisar la tarea de Pepito, la maestra encuentra una hoja impresa en computadora que decía:

Alumno : Pepito Perez, Sexto año, Grupo C Tema: La mosca.

La mosca es un animal coleóptero, que desde la mañana se la pasa chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue. Y así todo el día.

A woman goes to buy a chicken and, after rejecting several, she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First, she lifts a wing and smells underneath. Then she lifts the other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chickens legs and smells again. Mister, she says to the butcher, this chicken is no good. I want to see another one. The butcher is not amused. Lady, he replies, can you pass a test like that?

A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was still an infant, (doesnt sound funny yet. Yes. I know) and now he was approaching his sixth birthday, never having known what its like to have a father, to have a man around the house. Naturally, this was on his mothers mind, too. She had been without a partner for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it.

At the stroke of midnight, one night, the little boy was awakened from his sleep by sounds coming from his mothers room. He got up and went down the hall, opened the door a crack and saw his mother, standing in front of the mirror, naked, her arms spread out to her sides. She was so intensely involved in what she was doing she didnt even see him. She repeated over and over into the mirror, I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!



A little confused, but very curious, the boy went back to bed.



The next night, once again, at exactly midnight, he was awakened, and padded down the hallway to find his mother, again, nude, facing the mirror, I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!!



Hes no fool. He starts to set his alarm for midnight so he wont miss anything. But this next night, when hes awakened by his alarm and sneaks down the hallway, he hears his mom and some unfamiliar male voice coming from behind her bedroom door. This had never happened before. It scared the stuffing out of him. He ran back to his room and hid under the blankets. When he awoke in the morning, and came downstairs for breakfast, he found his mother sitting at the table with a strange man. She introduced them to each other; he sat there eyeing this man, trying to figure things out. After a while, his mommy showed her new friend to the door, kissed him goodbye, and sent him on his way.



This was not lost on the little boy. And that night, he set his alarm for midnight, again. When the alarm awakened him, he got up, stripped naked, and tiptoed down the hall where he positioned himself directly in front of his mothers mirror. He stretched his arms out wide, looked straight into the glass, opened his little mouth and cried out, I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle!

What does a nigger and an apple have in common?

You can find them both hanging from a tree in Mississippi.

Gargamel (From the Smurfs)

Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

Olive Oyl

Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for dating her.

Snagglepuss

Cant explain it. Maybe its the name, or the look, but he is definitely suspicious.

He-Man

This is an easy one. I mean cmon. Roid monkey #1. BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!! Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse!

& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo

We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side: Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that theres anything wrong with that …

Droopy Dog

The number one downer abuser in toon land. Cant someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

Dopey (Dwarf)

He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

Daffy Duck

If he isnt using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from daffiness but Haldol wouldnt work for him.

Shaggy

By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ghana!
Ghana who!
Ghana dance!

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?