A bartender is getting ready to close for the night
when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put
all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep.
“I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and
hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts
the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All
right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just
don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing
the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited
he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and
hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun,
dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might
walk in!”
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: Why dont blondes double their recipes?
A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.
Whats this, honey? the husband enquired as he entered the room. Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
A man really wanted to go to a ghost town, so he finds one and decides to go.WHile he is there he goes down a long dirt road and comes across an indian. Above the indian reads a sign Ask me anything, I know everything So he decides to ask him, What did you have for breakfast April 23, 1984? The indian replies, EggsThe man replies,Eggs? Well anybody can say eggs.A couple of years later, he decides to go back. He finds himself walking down the same dirt road, and comes across the same indian, with the same sign.He walks up to him and greets him HowThe indian replies, Scrambled
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A government grant.
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and hes in serious financial trouble. Hes so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
God, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
God, please let me win the lotto, Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
My God, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Whistlers Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.