Old and New Jokes

AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the 70s hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that ones infant might be an alien.

POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome.

RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS
Joint stiffness caused by La Vida Loca.

OREOPOROSIS
Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Va un tipo en el colectivo y se tira un terrible pedo:

¡Prrrrrrtatatatprrrrrrrtaa!

El tipo de al lado le dice, sorprendido:

¡Oiga, qué pedo más largo!

Y el otro le contesta:

¡Menos mal que fue largo, que si hubiera sido ancho me rompe el culo!

Estaba un barman muy aburrido limpiando los vasos de cerveza de la tarde, cuando en eso se le acerca un forastero que acababa de llegar, pasa a su lado, le sonríe, camina unos cuatro metros a su izquierda, quita una latita de arvejas vacía que tenía en su bolsillo y la coloca en el suelo. Luego regresa junto al cantinero y le dice:

Te apuesto 150 dolares a que puedo mear desde acá hasta allá en ese tarrito de lata sin derramar una sola gota.

El barman acepta la apuesta confiado de que la ganaría. Entonces, el forastero saca su pene, hace unos ruiditos tecnológicos, tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu como apuntando un miraláser, cierra un ojo, quita la lengua con mucho oficio, y en el momento preciso suelta un chorro desorbitante que alcanza hasta el techo, luego -tratando de controlarlo- el tipo se zarandea, para los cinco segundos de meado ya había mojado el suelo, la mesa, la pared, los cuadros, la alfombra, inclusive había mojado un poco la cara del cantinero y había acertado cada lugar en el bar menos la latita.

Cuando el forastero termina, el barman comienza a secarse el orín del rostro matándose de risa por haber ganado su apuesta. Cuando el visitante lo mira fijo con una sonrisa, él le pregunta por qué está tan alegre si acababa de perder 150 dólares.

Ve a esos tres hombres allá? dice el tipo apuntando a tres señores con cara de desgracia sentados en una mesa del fondo.

Acabo de apostarles a cada uno de ellos 500 dolares que yo podía mear sobre su piso, mear sobre su techo, mear sobre su alfombra, mear por todo su bar, mear inclusive un poco sobre su cara y que Ud. no sólo no se molestaría sino que terminaría riéndose!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olaf!
Olaf who?
Olaf you!

You know your stupid if you try to kill you bird by throwing it off a cliff.

· Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
· Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
· Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
· Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

· Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
· Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
· Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
· Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

· Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
· Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
· Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
· Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

· Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
· Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
· Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.
· Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

· Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
· Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
· Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
· Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

· Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.
· Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.
· Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
· Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

· Brits: Shop at home and have goods importe

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!

Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?

A: A heart attack!

* I Suck At My Job



* What Really Goes Down In The White House



* How I Blew It In Washington



* Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President



* Clear and Present Boner



* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule



* Going Back for Gore



* Podium Girl * Secret Services to the President



* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton



* Deep Inside The Oval Office



* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions



* My Chief of Staff



* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes



* How To Beat Off the Government



* Going Down and Moving Up



* Members of the Cabinet



* Me and My Big Mouth



* How To Get A Head in Business

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (thats what he called her):



I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.



When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:



Dear Husband (thats what she called him):



I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.



You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.