One day a little girl was watching her mom make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great roasting pan. The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, So it would fit in the pan, of course.
Why dont anteaters ever get sick?
Because theyre all full of anty bodies
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.
She then wrote a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…
Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.
You came to the right place. How about a parrot?
I dont know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.
It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.
The pet shop worker raises the parrots right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.. The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh… The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, Thats really neat. Let me hear the third song.
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrots legs. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..
LONDON (Nov 8, 1996 1:48 p.m. EST) – Scientists searching for one of the fundamental keys to the universe found they had been beaten to the answer by the comic cult novel Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy; and the answer was 42.
In the British novel and radio serial by Douglas Adams, an alien race programs a computer called Deep Thought to provide the ultimate answer to understanding life and the universe.
In the novel, seven and a half million years later Deep Thought comes back with the result – 42.
Astronomers at Britains Cambridge University took a little less time – three years – to calculate the Hubble Constant that determines the age of the universe. But the answer was the same.
It caused quite a few laughs when we arrived at the figure 42, because were all great fans of The Hitchhikers Guide, Dr. Keith Grange, one of the team of Cambridge scientists who worked on the project, said Friday.
Everyone thought it was quite fun.
The scientists were using a new technique to determine the value of the Hubble Constant, a source of constant controversy among astronomers. The Constant is a measure of the rate at which galaxies are receding from each other as a result of the Big Bang that created the universe.
Knowing how quickly everything is flying apart can enable scientists to work out the universes age.
This has presented a problem, since the large Hubble Constant values estimated by some experts would mean that the universe is younger than its oldest stars. The Cambridge team put the age of the universe at between 14 and 16 billion years.
Grange said the answer was unlikely to remain 42, however. The team plans to observe more galaxy clusters and take an average of a larger number of measurements.
After averaging out all these values well have a relatively accurate answer, he said. It may be 42, but it could be anything between0 and 55.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said, I think Ill go up and get a Coke. (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
No problem, said the Jew. Ill get it for you.
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jews shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said That looks good. Think Ill have one too.
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
How long must this go on? he asked. This enmity between our peoples ….this hatred… your spitting in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?
Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, How many ducks are there boy?
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
That was unbelievable, can he do it again? Bill asked.
Sure, responded Bob, How many ducks are there boy?
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
I have to have that dog, Bill said, Ill give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs.
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.
Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, How many ducks are there boy?
The dog raced off, came back, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
Bob gypped the hell out of you, his wife said, that dog just wants to play fetch.
Bill protested, But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?
Again the dog raced off, came back, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
You are such a fool, said the wife.
This dog is useless, Bill said. In a fit of rage he shot the dog. Later he complained to Bob.
Upon hearing the story, Bob cried, You idiot! He was telling you there were more ducks than you could shake a stick at!
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that?
The store clerk responds, Its a thermos.
The blond then asks, What does it do?
The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object?
She replies Its a thermos.
He asks, What does it do?
She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
He then asks, What do you have in there?
Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.
Un hombre querÃa una mascota que pudiera hacer de todo y va a una tienda especializada a comprarla. El dueño de la tienda le sugiere que compre un cienpiés.
¿Un cienpiés? dice el hombre, no puedo imaginarme a un cienpiés haciendo de todo, pero bueno… Trataré con un cienpiés.
El tipo se lleva al cienpiés a casa y le dice, Limpia la cocina.
Treinta minutos después ¡la cocina está inmaculada! Los platos limpios y secos, los aparatos eléctricos brillantes, el piso encerado. El hombre está realmente asombrado y decide probar de nuevo, asà que dice: Limpia la sala.
Veinte minutos más tarde la sala está completamente limpia y en orden.
Por último el hombre dice al cienpiés: Ve a la esquina y traeme el periódico.
El cienpiés abre la puerta y sale a la calle. Pasa media hora, una hora, dos horas… y el cienpiés no regresa. El hombre se pregunta que está pasando y abre la puerta de la casa… y allà está sentado el cienpiés.
El hombre dice, ¡Oye! Te envié hace dos horas a la esquina a traerme el periódico. ¿Qué es lo que pasa?
Y el cienpiés le responde, ¡Ya voy! ¡Ya voy! ¡Me estoy poniendo los zapatos!
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that hes heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if theyre going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two dogs. The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"