(I have been told that this joke is sacrilegious. Caveat Emptor.)
Ok, so here it is:
It so happens that the Pope and Gary Hart died at the same time. There was
a mix-up, and the Pope was sent to Hell and Hart went to Heaven. Of course,
Satan immediately realized the error. He was quite displeased, so he set
about to rectify the situation at once. Nevertheless, relations between
Heaven and Hell being what they are, it took a full day for the trade to be
arranged. When the Pope heard he was going to Heaven after all, he was much
relieved, but being the caring soul he was, he was worried that Gary would
be upset at the change. So when they met halfway, the Pope said,
Mr. Hart, I know you must be very disappointed, but you know I did
live eighty years of a clean life bound to God, so that I could claim my
Reward and kneel at the feet of the Virgin.
And Gary, grinning, replies, Well, Your Holiness, Im afraid youre
a little too late for that!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructors advice: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.The instructor addressed the man, Can you describe your wifes favorite flower?Tom leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Its Pillsbury, isnt it honey?The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so Ill stop right here.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
Posted in Lightbulb |
Llega Pepito a la farmacia y pide un preservativo; paga y se va. Al poco rato regresa y pide uno más grande. El farmacéutico le pregunta:
¿Cómo que uno más grande?
SÃ, es que el otro me quedó chico.
El boticario le da uno más grande. Minutos después, Pepito regresa nuevamente y pide un condón todavÃa más grande.
A ver Pepito, no creo que necesites uno más grande. De todos modos, te voy a dar el más grande que tengo, es más, vamos a un cuarto y te voy a ver cuando te lo pongas.
Pepito comienza a ponérselo en la cabeza y el farmacéutico le grita:
¡No, pendejo, ahà no se pone!
Ya sé, lo que pasa es que voy a ir a una fiesta de disfraces, y me quiero ver bien verga.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
El hombre descubrió el vidrio e inventó la botella.
La mujer descubrió el vidrio e inventó el espejo.
El hombre descubrió la baraja y ahà mismo inventó el juego.
La mujer descubrió la baraja e inventó la brujerÃa.
El hombre descubrió la palabra e inventó la conversación.
La mujer descubrió la conversación y ahà mismo inventó el chisme.
El hombre descubrió el dinero e inventó el comercio.
La mujer descubrió el comercio e inventó el crédito.
El hombre descubrió la comida e inventó el almuerzo y la cena.
La mujer descubrió el almuerzo y la cena e inventó la empleada doméstica.
El hombre descubrió a la mujer e inventó el sexo.
La mujer descubrió el sexo e inventó el matrimonio.
El hombre descubrió el trabajo e inventó el salario.
La mujer descubrió el salario y ahà la cagamos.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
* Emergency Rooms will tell you one of the most common injury suffered in falling out of bed for a guy is a broken dick. Although the penis does not have a bone it is full of erectile tissue that can be bent too far to the point of snapping. This type of injury requires surgery to correct. Often it can result in massive hemorrhaging.
* The man who accidentally sent a knee into his lovers face in the dark as he climbed up to *** ***k her. Broke her nose, blackened both her eyes and knocked out three teeth, one of which had to be dug out of his kneecap. It had dug down to the bone and stuck there.
* Getting nailed in the nuts is no joke either, a friend of mine got an unintended knee in the groin when he and his girl were changing positions and the impact ruptured a vein. His ball sack filled with blood. It swelled to a diameter of seven inches and turned black on the way to the hospital. The good folks at the Emergency Room had to lance it upon arrival and it burst like a balloon. They then had to cut it open and fix the blood vessel. He was bed ridden for almost two months. (He married the girl and they have been together now for over ten years.)
* The guy who couldnt wait and jumped into bed at the sight of his naked and beckoning lover. His action sent a wave across the waterbed so big it threw her out of bed. She took out the nightstand and the lamp, the room was plunged into darkness. She was knocked out cold as her head hit the wall. To top it off, when she fell out of bed, she landed on her sleeping cat killing it with her plummeting body.
* The woman who slipped in the shower while she was stroking her lovers erection, her fall was averted but she twisted him so hard that another trip to the emergency room was needed.
* The couple who fell through the glass shower door and needed stitches.
* The girl who got a slipped disk in an unusual sexual position and could not straighten up. (The Emergency Room got a real chuckle over that one.)
* The man who served breakfast in bed to his girl and she was so taken by it that they started to make love again, with the tray still on the bed. The coffee spilled and shorted the electric blanket which set fire to the bed.
* The woman who lost her dentures in the middle of a blowjob on a guy she had just met. When the teeth came loose they cut him so bad he had to have stitches.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii; but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?
The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel…! No. Think of another wish.
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why theyre crying…know whatthey really want when they say, Nothing…know how to make them truly happy….
The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?
Posted in Love and marriage |
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldnt eat her mushrooms.
Posted in General / Unsorted |