Old and New Jokes

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

Bill walks into a bar. He sits down. He takes out a little tiny man and sits him on the bar. Takes out a little tiny piano. Sets it on the bar. The little tiny man starts playing the little tiny piano.Bob, who is sitting next to Bill, looks at him and says, Holy crap. Whered you get that? Bill replies, Well, I wished for it. Out back, behind the bar, theres a lamp with a genie in it. I rubbed it and he granted me a wish…So Bob goes out behind the bar and sure enough, he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that hell grant him one wish. I wish for a million bucks! Bob said. So the sky parts and a million ducks fall out. Bob walks back into the bar and sits back down next to Bill. What the hell? I asked for a million bucks and I got a million DUCKS! Bob said frustrated. Bill looks at Bob and nods. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

Where did you get such a functional bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied: Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly: Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, Today is the day that you get your first pistola!

The boy replies, But I dont want a gun. I want a golden watch!

Vito looks strangely at his son and says, Wadda you want wit a watch? Before the son can answer that he says, Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?

The son replies, Times up, Mario!

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

Youre not allowed to pee in the pool, said the lifeguard. Im going to report you.

But everyone pees in the pool, said Little Johnny.

Maybe, said the lifeguard, but not from the diving board!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

20. Move your mouth when youre silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

It is better to wear out then rust out.

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? [What for?] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? [No. ] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say yes.]

4. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.

11. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.

12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, What are you doing?:] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if youre the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?

25. Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So. . . How am I doin?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. Say, thats a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?

31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

32. I hope you know CPR, cause you take my breath away.

33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

This is one that I picked up off a bathroom wall while I was in the Navy.

I fucked in France,

I fucked in Spain.

I fucked up and down

the coast of Maine.

But Ill never be happy

Ill nerve be free.

Till I fucked the Navy

like the Navy fucked me.