Old and New Jokes

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said, These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. Thats nothing, said the other. Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

You might be a redneck if…
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge
in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

No, head abbot, the first monk said, its too evil for me to admit!

The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution! said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. I – I – I drank! And I did
all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I
snorted coffee whitener….

Enough! said the head abbot, enraged. Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbots instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. What did you do last night? demanded
the head abbot.

I cant say! Its much too evil!

The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!

Okay, agreed the second monk. I had all manner of sex. I had sex with
young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora,
my CD player…

Enough! cried the head abbot. That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water.
Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

What, asks the head abbot, did you do this evening?

No, head abbot, its too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!

The agreement, monk! You must tell me!

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…

Yes?

I pissed in the Holy Water.

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

The
nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement
session.
Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns
with a very serious frown on her face. She began to
speak…..
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed
here, yesterday."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of mens
underwear."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"

99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.

Dont lend people money…it gives them amnesia.