A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.
I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.
He quickly answered Oh, thats the easy part. Its when the dogs leash goes slack.
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy. Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what shes doing."Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."
Valentines Day is coming up, and some of you may have
difficulty in composing a properly passionate Valentines Day
Greeting to your sweet-patootie. Here is a suggested form:
Date: (enter appropriate date here like February 14 or 13)
To: (enter appropriate name here
CAUTION: dont put more than one per memo, and be careful to send to correct person)
From: (enter your name or pet-name
CAUTION: use the right pet-name …)
Subject: Valentine
It has been brought to my attention that I would be remiss in
my duties were I not to comment upon your performance as
Executive Valentine. Your performance in this capacity during
the past fiscal year has been more than adequate – nay,
commendable.Further, let me advise you that my Passionate Regard for you
remains unchanged since my previous statements upon this subject
and may be assumed to remain unchanged unless you receive
specific contrary notification in writing.Please do not hesitate to communicate with me should you have
any questions or if I can be of any other assistance.Yours truly,
(your name)
There. If that doesnt melt your True Loves heart, nothing will.
Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveller puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt. The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveller explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didnt make any telephone calls, didnt charge anything in the restaurant and didnt use the mini bar. The clerk advised that its for the food that comes with every room.
But we didnt consume any of the food, said the traveller.
Well thats too bad. It was there and we charge for it, said the clerk.
Well then, you owe $75, said the traveller.
What for? said the clerk.
For screwing my wife last night, said the traveller.
The clerk explained that he didnt touch his wife.
Well to bad, she was there!
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This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, Id like to register my new invention. Its a folding bottle.OK, says the clerk. What do you call it? A fottle, replies the inventor. A fottle? Thats a stupid! Cant you think of something else?I can think about it. Ive got something else though. Its a folding carton. And what do you call that? asks the clerk.A farton, replies the inventor. Thats rude. You cant possibly call it that!In that case, says the inventor… Youre really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.
A young man approached his family physician and said, Doc, Im afraid youll have to remove my wifes tonsils one of these days.
My good man, replied the doctor, I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?
No, the husband retorted, but youve heard of a man having two wives, havent you?