The nervous young bride became irritated by her husbands lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, just as I do at the dinner table.
Amused by his wifes formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. Is that better? he asked, with a hint of a smile.
Yes, replied the girl, much better.
Very good, darling, the husband whispered. Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.
Estaba una pareja de casados haciendo un 69 cuando, de repente, la esposa exclama:
¡Viejo, viejo, asesinaron a Ruiz Massieu!
Molesto, el esposo le reclama:
Ya te dije que no veas tanto las noticias por TV.
Y yo ya te dije que de una buena vez por todas dejes de limpiarte el culo con el periódico, contesta la mujer con un mohÃn.
Your house is so dusty the roaches ride around in dune buggies.
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on… just a pair of pants.
What the hell are you supposed to be? asked the host.
A premature ejaculation. said the man – I just came in my pants!
Excuse me, sir.
Is that you again, Moses?
Im afraid it is, sir.
What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?
Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me.
You mean the commandments, Moses?
Thats it. I was wondering if they were important.
What do you mean were important, Moses? Of course, they are important.
Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that.
What do you mean you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didnt save them, Moses?
No, sir. I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.
And did you hear back from any of them?
You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses shalt not. Can he change the words a little bit?
Yes, Moses. As long as he doesnt change the meaning.
Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?
I think that is spamming, Moses.
Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I dont even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.
And what he did say?
You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You dont think he might have sent me one of those plagues and thats the reason I lost those ten things, do you?
Theyre called viruses, Moses.
Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them.
Well do it the new way, Moses.
I was afraid you would say that, sir.
Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?
You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.
Its a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?
No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?
No, Moses.
One other thing. Why didnt you name them frogs instead of mice, because didnt you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?
I didnt name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to.
Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasnt it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?
Say goodnight, Moses.
Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.
Which ones are they, Moses?
Lets see. Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbors wife.
Turn the computer off, Moses. Im sending you another set of stone tablets. How does Same Day Air sound?
You might be a redneck if you have ever awakened someone
to tell them its time to go to sleep.
Top 47 OXYMORONS:
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. Now, then …
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a bakers convention.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.
Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.
On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
You can always tell a cat,