Old and New Jokes

Their was once a man in a car that was driving on the road and their was girl getting herselef wet so then the man stoped the car a tolg if she wanted to get on the so that she would not get more wet. so then she got on the car and the man asked her where she livied and she said well i live right here in the sematerie and the man was scared. but then the teenager said no just kidding i livein town. so she was tring to scare him.

A broken heart is better than a shattered pelvis.

Do you know why Polish men, when they go to sleep, bring one glass full of water and one cup empty?

Its because they doesnt know if theyll be thirsty or not.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bills speaking engagements?
A: So you cant see her adams apple move as he speaks.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, What did you do?

The woman says, I committed adultery.

The priest says, How many times?

And the woman replies, Three.

Priest: Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, Father forgive me for I have sinned.

What did you do?

‘I committed adultery.

How many times?

Three times.

The priest says, Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says, What did you do?

The woman replies, I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, How many times?

The woman replies, Once.

The rabbi said, Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.

Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.

A desi dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?
He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, What do they do here?
He is told First they put you in anelectric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home…

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custers Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.

Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head is a halo.

In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, What the hell has this got to do with Custers Last Thought?

The artist replied, Custers Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.