Old and New Jokes

Un señor viene tranquilo con su auto, y lo estaciona justo en la puerta de la casa de gobierno. Uno de los granaderos que se encuentran en la puerta se dirije al señor que conducía el automóvil, justo en el momento en que éste se bajaba del auto y lo cerraba con llave para dejarlo estacionado, y con mucha diplomacia le dice:

Señor, le recomiendo que retire el auto de aquí porque en cualquier momento sale el señor Presidente.

Y el dueño le responde:

¡No se preocupe, buen hombre, yo no tengo estéreo!

how do u put an elephant into a safeway cart???

take the F out of way.

We dont have the time or money to do it right, but well have time and money to do it over again.

Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?

A: Its so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 Light breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriends/husbands ex – notice shes gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

10:00 Wake up

10:02 Oral sex

10:10 Big Breakfast

11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 Enormous lunch

3:15 Oral sex

3:25 Play sports with the guys

4:30 Drink beer with the guys

6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 Oral sex

6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10 Sleep

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer, Didnt you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?

The farmer replied, No, I didnt knowed that.

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, To Memphis. The cop said, I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis and to this the farmer replied I did and we had so much fun, Im taking him to the circus.

Goebels Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

A recent Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal Stand-ins, Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.s British Fest.

A man was arrested nearby for carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was independent of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a domestic spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.

Only in the NRAs America …

O come, all ye Grateful,

Deadheads to the concert.

O come, Grateful Deadheads,

And camp in the street.

Bring rolling papers,

Dont forget your sleeping bags.

O come get us some floor seats,

Weve followed them for four weeks,

O come get us some floor seats,

To see the Lord.

O come, all ye hippies,

Throwbacks to the Sixties.

Paint flowers on your van,

And dont wash your feet.

Wear your bell-bottoms,

And your tie-dye t-shirts.

O come let us adore them,

Weve quit our day jobs for them,

O come let us adore, them,

Garcias the Lord.

A blonde was looking at the stars. She says: oh, I understand how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and sizes and temperatures and all that, but what really gets me is how they find out what their names are.