Old and New Jokes

This is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A little girl became restless as the preachers sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

Knock,knock.

Whos there?

Ether

Ether who?

Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Juan

Juan who?

Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Stella

Stella who?

Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Justin

Justin who?

Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Samoa

Samoa who?

Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Beryl

Beryl who?

Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Dewey

Dewey who?

Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Consumption.

Consumption who?

Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Cargo

Cargo who?

Cargo beep, beep … run over all the ether bunnies.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctors office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the mans arse was that eye staring right back at him. You know, said the doctor, you really have to learn to trust me.

Have you heard that a sequel to Brokeback Mountain is already in the works?

Their calling it Butte Crack Creek.

(Gotta love them Brokeback Mountain jokes, huh?)

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.

He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, I dont know, Im only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling.

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better.

Really? answered the doctor, I dont understand it. My maid said to use hot water.

A guy says, Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking Im getting smaller!
Doctor replies, Well, youll just have to be a little patient.

From a year-end planning guide published by Richard L. Hodge, CPA of
Northboro MA:

It has been said that the only real tax shelter is death. Thats
because a decedents assets are revalued at their fair market value
at the date of death…

If the total value of an estate exceeds $600,000, there may be an
estate tax. That is paid by the estate before the heirs get anything.
Massachusetts estate tax applies to amounts in excess of $50,000, but
that has been changed and will gradually increase to the $600,000
exemption by 1996. A good planning strategy is to defer death until
at least 1996.

Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldnt help!

Its the spending stupid!