Old and New Jokes

Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted God save Scotland!
The English man jumped off and shouted God Save England!
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted God save the person who I land on!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, Im sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and wont be able to look into this for at least a month.

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, What can I do for you, sir?

Nothing, replied the young man.
Im just here to hook up your phone.

Hay dos tipos de trabajadores: los mayas y los aztecas.

Los mayas son aquellos que todos los días llegan al trabajo una hora más tarde; se van a desayunar; vuelven tres horas después y preguntan:

¿MAYA-mado alguien?

Los aztecas son aquellos que llegan al trabajo; checan tarjeta y se marchan con la intención de no volver, pero antes de irse le dicen al compañero:

AZTECA-rgo de lo mío.

En la escuela la profesora le pregunta a Jaimito:

Jaimito, dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.

Y Jaimito dice:

Goloso.

Luego la maestra le pregunta a Pepito:

Dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.

Y pepito dice:

¡Goooooooool!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it.



This is my position, and I will not compromise!

Q: What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?

A: They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.



Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that, his friend says.



Well, Harry replies, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The first little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the Bar man said I suppose you want to use the toilet, but the third little pig said No, Im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.