Old and New Jokes

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, Whats going on? He says, Thats the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos. She says, Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe Id rather go to Hell. St. Peter says, In Hell, youll be constantly raped and sodomized. She says, Thats okay. Ive already got holes for that.

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered Star Wars

15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vaders seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to Use the Fifth, Luke.

11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabbas big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9 C3PO has a conspicuous Intel Inside sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin goatees.

7 New scene where Luke shakes JFKs hand and tells him he has to pee.

6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, Hehe…hehe…she said, Lay ya.

5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how Han Solo got his name.

4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2s special attachment.

3 Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2 The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?Richard Jewell.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered Star Wars…

1 Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobis light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cant remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original Jaws story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasnt covered by an HMO.
2. The Bibles way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who dont know the seating capacity of a pew.

Whats the difference between men and beer?
When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, Hey, Ill bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you! Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, YOURE ON! So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. WOW, screamed the 2nd guy, That was incredible. Do it again! So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. That is remarkable. Do it one more time!

Ok, said the first guy, But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it.

The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. Your turn, he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. This is easy. He did it, so can I! The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher

Q: Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade

4.