Old and New Jokes

Se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en la cantina:

Eh, Manolo, tanto tiempo sin verte

Hombre, es que estuve en Las Vegas.

¡Jolines, no lo puedo creer! ¿Y cómo te fue?

¡Muy bien, vi espectáculos increíbles y cantidad de cosas para jugar!

Jugaste a algo me imagino…

Claro, y no me vas a creer: hay miles de máquinas. ¡Cómo será que hay máquinas donde nunca pierdes!

¡Rediez! ¿Nunca, nunca?

Nunca, te lo juro. ¡Siempre ganas!

¿Y ganaste mucho dinero?

La verdad no, pero… ¡Lo que sí no sé es que voy a hacer con tantas gaseosas!

1.- Es un incentivo para ir a trabajar

2.- Lleva a una comunicación más honesta

3.- Reduce las quejas de salarios bajos

4.- Los empleados les dicen a sus jefes lo que realmente piensan

5.- Reduce la contaminación ya que todos van a la oficina en el carro del conductor designado

6.- Aumenta la satisfacción del trabajo porque aunque el trabajo sea malo, al empleado no le importa

7.- El personal ya no pide vacaciones porque prefiere estar en la oficina

8.- Hace que las compañeras de trabajo se vean más guapas

9.- Hace que la comida del comedor sepa mejor

10.- Es mas probable que los jefes den aumentos de sueldo cuando se encuentran borrachos

11.- Los empleados se quedan más tiempo en la oficina porque ya no hay necesidad de irse a algún lado a echarse unas cheves.

12.- Hace que las personas sean más abiertas a nuevas ideas.

13.- Elimina el problema de estar buscando quienes son los empleados que llegan con aliento alcohólico después de la comida.

14.- Ya no se requiere que los empleados estén pidiendo tacos y/o cafe para curarse la cruda. Sólo siguen tomando cerveza y continúa la borrachera.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Life in the fast lane isnt all its cracked up to be. Nearly everyone
passes on the right nowadays anyway.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: Hi there good looking, hows it going?

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: Listen, Ill screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesnt matter. Ive been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. He says: No kidding?, Im a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

She is proud because he has been staying away from the bars for 3 months. But suddenly, she realizes she forgot the escargot. Just as he comes home, she asks him to go get some at the store to finish her wonderful candlelight dinner. She says shell make it worth his while. So off he goes to the fresh market, and buys a dozen live snails. But on the way home, his friends fall out of the bar and see him with his paper sack, and call to him, Come on, George! Come have a drink on us! No, says George. I must get these fresh escargot home. Oh, come on, Georgie old boy. Just one for old times sake. Well, George is weak, and agrees to just one. Then another. Then a third. After too many, he sees his paper sack and feels sorry for his lapse, and heads home. Just as he is walking up to his driveway, he falls and spills the contents onto the cement, and his wife opens the door to see what all the commotion is. George, what is going on? What took you so long? George, thinking fast, looks down at the snails and says, Come on, you slow pokes! Just a few more feet and were home free!

Did you ever wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women cant put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why dont you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Q: What do you call a blind deer?

A: No-eye deer

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasnt much of an accomplishment.

Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time. When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great.

Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.