Old and New Jokes

With Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Two Rednecks went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another!

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.



As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears hed ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bears body is gone!



He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then theres a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and its the bear! You just tried to kill me, didnt you?. Says the bear.Uh, no. No I didnt. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your arms off Uh, yeah, yeah I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Give me a head-job. What?? On your knees So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.



Well, the hunters pissed-off. Humiliated by a bear!, he thinks to himself. Ill teach that bastard. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. Ive got you now, bear, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.



Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. You just tried to kill me again, didnt you?. Says the bear. Uh, no. No I didnt, lies the hunter. Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your legs off Ok! I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Drop your pants and bend over No way! Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off. Alright! Ill do it, you bastard So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.



Ill fucking get the bastard this time, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.



Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. Youre not here for the hunting, are you?, says the bear.

It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can? The guy replied: Well I am going back up there tommorow, why dont you come along? And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: You cant do that! Thats illeagal! The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: Are you going to fish, or talk?

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. …. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

There was this man who was down on his luck and felt he needed a few drinks. He went to this bar and drank several drinks, when he was done he stood up and walked toward the door. The bartender shouted at the man, Hey mister, are you going to pay for those drinks?



The man looked back at the bartender and replied I already paid you, then walked out the bar. Almost immediately he saw one of his friends and told him about the bartender, Just go in there and drink all you want then get up and leave, When the bartender asks you to pay the tab, just tell him you already did. This sounded easy enough so he went in and had several drinks, The bartender went to him and said, Before you came in, another man was here before you, when I asked him to pay his tab he told me he already did, but I dont remember him paying me.





The man replied, I would love to stay and here your story but I dont have time, can I have my change please?

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and
keep away from children.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Thanx to the Guffaws list.