Old and New Jokes

Q: Why doesnt Mexico have an olympic team?

A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out? God asked. Im very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. Theres drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. Im afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.



Hmmm, God said thoughtfully, Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?



I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity. replied St. Peter.



That is an effective solution, God stated, but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Lets send a letter thats personally signed by me to each one of these good people. And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?



(scroll down)



















No? (scroll down a little more)



























Hmmm…You didnt get the letter either, huh?

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

Care to go upstairs and do it? the husband asked.

Shh! said the bride All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

No, thanks, said the husband. It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Indiana!
Indiana who?
Indianals of history youll be famous!

How are men like diplomas?

You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you dont know what to do with it.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?.
Im going to the church 5 miles down the road, replied the priest.
No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck.
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, Im sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.
Thats okay, replied the priest. I got him with the door.

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the brides Grandfather slipped her ten $100 bills, which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for mad money.

By tradition, the newlywed couple spent their first night together in the familys historic house.

Later that night, the brides Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs and asked where she was going.

I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and its important that I have them.

Oh you youngsters! the Grandmother sighed. You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damn thing with your bare hands, just as I did your Grandfathers!

A sex education teacher is discussing test results with a collegue.
Sex education has its own problems, says the teacher.
One of my students has become pregnant and I dont know whether to fail her or give her an A!

The Rodney files:

My daughters like Federal Express. When she meets a guy she just absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

A girl phoned me the other day and said … Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy … Hey buddy … why are you doing that for? He said … Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once when I was lost … I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him … do you think well ever find them? He said … I dont know kid … there are so many places they can hide.

My psychiatrist told me Im going crazy.I told him … If you dont mind Id like a second opinion. He said … Alright … youre ugly too!

Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse