Old and New Jokes

Whats the diference in a bowling ball & a prostitute?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

…are talking about their daughters.
The Italian guy says I was cleaning my daughters room the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes. And I didnt even know she smoked.
The Jewish guy says, Thats nothing. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day and I found a full bottle of Vodka. And I didnt even know she drank.
The Polish guy says, Thats nothing. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day and I found a box of condoms. And I didnt even know she had a penis.

A: Because thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables.

(heard at happy hour last night, not original)

Q: Did you hear that theyve finally found 12 people whove never heard
of OJ Simpson to be on the jury?

A: Oh yeah, his professors at USC.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

wife into his office alone.

He said,Your husband is suffering

from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your

husband will surely DIE!!!

Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure hes in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Dont discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.

Encourage him to watch some type

of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week,

and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

She replied, He said youre gonna die.

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldnt bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. Im gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.

So, says the second drunk, Whats yer point?

Well, says the first, Im just wondering how much stronger Im gonna get!

Bill Gates to his broker:

You bought a $150 million of WHAT?!?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!!

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.



He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.



The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.

There was this little black kid in the 2nd grade and on the first day of school they were doing math. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,I didnt like it mama we did math today, and I didnt do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama? His mom then replied, Thats because youre black son. The next day he went back to school they were doing spelling. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,I didnt like it mama we did math today, and I didnt do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama? His mom then replied, Thats because youre black son. The next day at school they had gym and he could run faster, jump higher, and when they went to the restrooms and he had a bigger dick than every one else. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied, I had so much fun mama, we had gym today and I could run faster, jump higher and when I went to the bathroom my dick was longer than everyones. Is that because Im black mama? His mom replied, No son thats because youre 18.

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!