Old and New Jokes

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shirt mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes Whered you get the great pants mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shoes and socks mate? The man replies, David Jones. Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, Look Who the hell are you mate? And the naked guy says, Im David Jones!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer.

Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all
others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that
part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, She made me a
much better offer.

you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep bad | good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
santa claus < north pole > town

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

My name is Billy. Whats yours?

asked the first boy.

Tommy, replied the second.

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

asked Billy. Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer.

Honest?

asked Billy.

No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. Its a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



Rule # 2

If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?



Rule # 6

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.



Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.



Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.



Rule # 10

When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

Three guys are coming back from a hunting trip, when thier truck breaks down. The 1st guy says I think I saw a farm house back down the road about a mile. So they start walking and by the time they get thier its getting dark. They ask the lady that lives in the house if they can use her phone, she says I aint got a phone but yer welcome to stay here for the night, as long as you dont make fun of my son because he dont have any ears



So they are all siting around the T.V. with thier own section of the newspaper. The first guy looks up at the boy and says take care of your teeth because when you get old like me you wont have any





The second guy looks up over the section of news paper he has and says boy…you better take good care of your hair because when you get old like me you wont have any





So then the third guy looks up at the boy and says boy you better take good care of your eyes because when you get old you wont be able to wear glasses because you aint got no ears.

What do you get when you cross an [ethnic] and a monkey?

A retarded monkey.