Old and New Jokes

Una bella poetisa se pasea por la ribera de un río y se acerca a un galante pescador, que está sacando sus redes del agua, y le pregunta:

¿A qué te dedicas, buen hombre?

Soy pescador, señorita. ¿A qué se dedica usted?

Yo soy poetisa. Si quiere, en este momento le compongo un poema.

¡Me encantaría!, responde el hombre.

Dígame, ¿cuál es su nombre?

Juan Padilla, a sus órdenes.

La poetisa se inspira y recita:

Al valiente pescador, Juan Padilla, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.

Ah, señorita, eso es muy fácil; a ver, dígame su nombre:

Mi nombre es Teresita Angulo.

Inspirándose, el pescador declama:

A la bella poetisa, Teresita Angulo, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.

¡Pero, señor, eso no rima!, reclama Teresita.

¡Espere a que suba la marea, mi reina!

Una moto (un Vespino) se pone al lado de un Ferrari para pedirle fuego y el tío del coche mira el marcador y ve que va 200 x hora y le pisa más, y el Vespino se pone otra vez al lado y le pide fuego y el del Ferrari mira otra vez el marcador y ve que va 260, y le pisa más.

El Vespino insiste y se pone al lado otra vez y le vuelve a pedir fuego y el tío del Ferrari baja la ventanilla y le dice:

¡Que te vas a matar!

Y dice el del Vespino:

¡Que va hombre, si yo fumo poco!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!

The French national anthem is mayonnaise.

When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven.
Upon her arival
St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her.
She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth
and her angel Halo.

Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess
Diana with an even bigger Halo!.

Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of
my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this
small.
But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some stupid landmind kids
and got an even bigger Halo than me.

St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e.g.:

A VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and says to her husband, Paddy, darlin turn on the light, the babys comin

Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby, get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.

A bit later, the wife says,Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light. Its twins, it is!

Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple goes back to sleep.

(This happens as many times as you like)

Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, Bejesus, Paddy, another one, turn on the light!

Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: I will not. Its the light thats attracting em.

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.

She then wrote a note saying,

Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Una vez cuando un padre estaba comenzando la misa empezó un terremoto y la gente en la iglesia comenzaron a gritar y el padre les dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Padre nuestro.

Y empezaron: Padre nuestro…

Pero luego la intensidad del terremoto fue mayor y el padre dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Ave María.

Y empezaron: Dios te salve…

Pero por desgracia el terremoto fue aún mayor y comenzaron a caerse las tablas del techo. Y el padre grita:

¡Hijos míos, las tablas!

Y la gente comenzó:

1X1=1, 1X2=2…