Why cant blondes take coffee breaks?
Theyre too hard to retrain.
How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
Theres white-out all over the screen.
Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive in movie?
She went to see CLOSED FOR THE SEASON.
Why did the blonde write TGIF on her shoes?
To remind her that toes go in first.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
RUN!!! – shes got a grenade in her mouth!
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you get a blond out of a tree?
Wave
How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
Theyre both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
Whats the Blondes cheer?
Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B.L.O.N….ah, oh well..
Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea…
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, Oh, look at the dead bird. The Blonde looked up and said, Where?
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said, These look like deer tracks.
The other one said, No, they look like moose tracks! They
argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when
the train hit them.
THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, dont open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, Remember the good old days, when we used to… and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.
The only thing that separates us from the animals
is mindless superstition and pointless rituals.
Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask Now whatd you go and do THAT for? The Texan just drawled Where I come from, we got a lot of those.
Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out Where I come from, weve got a lot of those.
Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that.
Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottles worth a nickel.
Theres a nickels worth of difference between a republican and a democrat
Put a nickel on the table and a republican will kill you for it.
Do the same, and a democrat will steal it from you.
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother shes going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. Yes," the girl says. "But I didnt have to go all the way round the back. There was a box near the front door that said For the Sick.
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.
His buddy said, I have an idea, why dont you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. Shell probably be thrilled.
So thats what Joe did.
The next day at the bar, his buddy said, Well, did you take my suggestion?
Yes, I did, said Joe.
Did she like it? His buddy asked.
Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, Ill be back in an hour!!
Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza does not scream in the oven