LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE – a womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get.
INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG – a mans term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gopher!
Gopher who!
Gopher broke!
Do you know why they have a bucket of shit at an [ethnic] wedding?
– To keep the flies off of the bride.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled.
No one answered.
ALL RIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?
The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.
Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-
breasted 18-year-old girls.
Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old
bodies.
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
The wife has a secret stash of toys the husband has no clue
about.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first
time.
Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with
other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy
come true.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be
a dyke by the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if
they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on
multiple women (i.e. their own mothers and the mothers three
female friends).
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. Ill see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.
Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.
Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.
Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, Im not Santa Claus.
Mi abuela era muy conocida por su fe y por su falta de reticencia para hablar de ella. Ella solÃa salir al frente de su casa y decir: ¡Alabado sea el Señor!
Entonces, uno de sus vecinos gritaba: No hay ningún Señor.
En aquellos dÃas mi abuela era muy pobre, asà que su vecino decidió probar que él tenÃa razón y compró una gran bolsa de comida y la puso frente a la puerta de mi abuela.
La mañana siguiente, mi abuela salió al frente de la casa y al ver la bolsa dijo: ¡Alabado sea el Señor!
El vecino salió de detrás de unos árboles donde se habÃa escondido y dijo: ¡Yo traje esa comida, y no hay ningún Señor!
Mi abuela replicó: Señor, no sólo me enviaste comida, sino que hiciste que el demonio pagara por ella.