Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, My God, youre ugly, arent you!
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. You naughty boy! she screamed, How can you say to your aunt that shes ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her youre sorry!
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, Aunt Tess, I am sorry youre so ugly.
Q: What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend?
A: Im EARresistable
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If its worth fighting for, its worth fighting dirty for.
Dont lie, cheat or steal … unnecessarily.
There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
NO is only an interim response.
You cant kill a bad idea.
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you cant counter the argument, leave the meeting.
A woman waited to her psychiartrist, Oh, Doctor, what am I going to do? My husband thinks hes a refrigerator.
Why exactly does that bother you? the perplexed doctor asked.
when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me up!
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain? 10) This is a message from God: Rebooting the universe, please log off. 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 – OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y) 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, Honey, my hands are freezing!
She says, Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm
them up.
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and
says again, Man! My hands are really freezing!
She says again, Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them
up.
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, Honey, my hands
are really, really freezing!
She looks at him and says, For crying out loud, dont your ears ever
get cold?
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.
She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.
The stewardess comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardess says you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says maam you must move to coach.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.
The captain comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.
All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.
The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain What did you say to her?
The captain says I told her first class wasnt going to Chicago.
A un hombre le dio por presumir con su compañeros de trabajo que tenÃa al perro más inteligente del mundo. Como sus compañeros no le creÃan, un dia para demostrárselo les dice que le va hablar por telefono al perro y que le ha dado instrucciones precisas para que conteste. Un ladrido significa SI y dos significan NO… El hombre marca el número y después de sonar tres veces contesta el perro: Guahh..
Sultán, habla tu dueño, ¿ya me reconociste?
Guahh..
Sultán, aquà hay gente que cree que no eres inteligente, ¿puedes creer eso…?
Guahh…Guahh…
Dirigiéndose a sus amigos, con una gran sonrrisa de triunfo: Sultán, ¿estás solo…?
Guahh…Guahh..
¿No, y quién está ahÃ, la Señora…?
Guahh…
¿Y está sola…?
Guahh…Guahh…
¿Está con una amiga…?
Guahh…Guahh…
¿Está con un amigo…?
Guahh…
Ya un poco extrañado: Sultán, ¿están en la sala…?
Guahh…Guahh…
¿Dónde están, en la recámara…?
Guahh…
El hombre está ya furioso y avergonzado, mientras los amigos se rÃen y murmuran. Finalmente, el hombre se anima y pregunta una vez más:
Sultán, ¿y qué están haciendo…?
¡Ahhh..ahhh..guah..ahhh..ahhh..guah…!
Como bañarse como una mujer:
1. Te quitas la ropa y la colocas en la cesta de la ropa sucia según la tonalidad de los colores.
2. Caminas hacia el baño con tu bata de baño. Si ves a tu novio/marido en el camino, te tapas bien el cuerpo y sales corriendo hacia el baño.
3. Te paras frente al espejo y detallas tu fÃsico. Sacas la barriga para poder quejarte más de lo gorda que estás.
4. Te metes en la bañera. Buscas el pañito para la cara, el pañito para los brazos, el de las piernas el de la espalda y la piedra pome.
5. Te lavas el pelo con Shampoo de aguacate/miel con 83 vitaminas.
6. Te vuelves a lavar el pelo con Shampoo de aguacate/miel con 83 vitaminas.
7. Te echas acondicionador de pelo de aguacate/miel y te lo dejas por 15 min.
8. Te lava la cara con una mezcla de durazno por 10 min. hasta que la cara se ponga roja.
9. Te lavas el resto del cuerpo con jabón para el cuerpo de nueces y fresas.
10. Te quitas el acondicionador del cuerpo. (Este proceso se lleva como 10 min. porque hay que estar seguro de quitarse todo el acondicionador)
11. Te afeitas las axilas y las piernas. Consideran afeitarse el área del bikini, pero decides depilártelo.
12. Gritas con arrechera cuando tu novio/marido baja la poceta y pierdes presión en el agua.
13. Apagas la ducha.
14. Te escurres todas las partes mojadas dentro de la ducha
15. Te sales de la ducha y te secas con un paño del tamaño de Africa.
16. Te pones un paño super absorbente en la cabeza.
17. Te chequeas todo el cuerpo en busca de pepas/granos y los atacas con tus uñas o pinzas.
18. Regresas a tu habitación con tu bata larga.
19. Si ves a tu novio/marido en el camino te tapas toda y sales corriendo para la habitación y pasas una hora y media vistiéndote.