Old and New Jokes

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux (TIB-a-dough). He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, You were drunk again last night werent you, Boudreaux? Boudreaux said, Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting? Well, Clotile said, it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly……its all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

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The perfect woman survived.

Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

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***** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke! *****

***** Men keep scrolling. *****

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if youre a woman and youre reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, its not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, its the will of Allah

Protestantism: Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because youre bad.

Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!

T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!

Atheism: No shit.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism: Theres nothing like a good shit happenin.

Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.

Existentialism: What is shit anyway?

Stoicism: This shit doesnt bother me.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit!

Top Ten
Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex
10. You dont have to take off your clothes.

9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.

8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.

7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.

6. Its GOOD if a diet is over quickly.

5. Dieting doesnt make you pregnant.

4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.

3. Its okay if your dog watches.

2. You can do it with your best friends husband.
And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex….
1. You dont have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

En una litera de tren, en la cama de arriba, se oye:

¡Ah, Manolo, cómeme la lechugita! ¡Oh, oh!

Pili, cómeme el nabito. ¡Sí! ¡Oh! ¡Sí!

Al cabo de un rato se oye desde abajo:

A ver, los de la ensalada de arriba. ¡Joder, qué se os está cayendo la mayonesa!

A variety of meat.

Rarely served as it clearly
crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of
dead cow.

One day evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way…

Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually?

Sardarji: I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home.

Friend: Is it! Then, How did you come to office from home in the morning?

Sardarji: I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.

How does Micheal Jackson pick his nose ?