Old and New Jokes

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 510, brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Dont call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 510; over 40 years old, 68, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 60, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.

Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it when you little bastards are naked.

If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant. Will travel. Lets be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history…

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

Varmint
Fidel
Steaming Turban
Locker Room
Steve Largents socks
Taliban
Dung
Islamabad
Al Gores beard
The Kursk
Funeral
Osamas Cave
Bachelor Party
Antietam
Hangover

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

The drinker announced to the bartender, It seems Ive been informally named advisor on Sexual Matters at my company.

That sounds interesting. Does this mean youll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?

Im not sure yet, he answered.

During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, theyd let me know.

10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great



8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote



7. Observe the Presidents commitment to young people first hand



6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law



5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his subpoena



4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff



3. Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair



2. Have president introduce you to his special investigator…



… and the number one benefit of a White House internship…



1. Find out what a politician means when he says hes been polling his constituents!

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten
married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, Whats the matter, are you looking for
the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Cant you find anyone
who suits you? No, Manny replied. I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesnt like them. So I
keep on looking! Listen, his friend suggested, Why dont you find a girl whos just
like your dear ole Mother? Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One thats just like
your Mother? Manny shrugged his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom.
My mother loved her, they became great friends. Excellent!!! So,…. Are you and this girl engaged, yet? Im afraid not. My Father cant stand her!

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

Guess what, darling, he said, Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table, she said.

We were naked as jaybirds, remember? he blushed. Oh yes, she giggled, Why dont we take off our clothes right now? All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

Oooh, darling, she said, My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

No wonder, he said, Ones in your coffee and the others in your oatmeal!