This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. Is John home? he asks. She replies No Im sorry hes gone out to run a few errands. Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes? She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. I cant help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them. The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks Your breast was so beautiful, Ive got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both. She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, I cant wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by. About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago. John replies, Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I dont shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Dont pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Dont wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont go through a faze every 28 days
Man, Im glad Im a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Dont take a lot of friends when I go the the john I dont throw a fit when I break a nail I dont buy a lot of shoes just because theyre on sale I dont apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I dont think of Bambi when Im out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I dont ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont face the pain of water-weight gain Man, Im glad Im a man
Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, Id never leave the house
I dont spend two hours getting ready for a date I dont play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spots always dry I dont read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I dont mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I dont spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont take a pill, I dont use Massengill Man, Im glad Im a man
Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin Man, Im glad Im a man
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same
Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bushs policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bushs policy on Haiti.
Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
Ive offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again….It starts with a tax cut on the middle class.
Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt were going to make to have a short-term economic strategy.
President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that.
President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
I had hoped to invest in your [the middle classs] future…without asking more of you. And Ive worked harder than Ive ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I cant.
Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the read my lips promise in the first place. You just cant promise something like that just to get elected if you know theres a good chance that circumstances may overtake you.
President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances.
Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a rough toad to hoe.
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks Can I get into heaven now?
He says Soon, I have some things to take care of.
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?
St Peter replies Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks Wheres my husbands clock? St. Peter replies Oh, its in Gods office, he uses it for a fan.
A New Russian is buying Mersedes of the 600 series. Before giving him keys and documentation a salesman asks: Excuse me, Sir, a week ago You bought here a car just like this one. Is anything wrong with it?
A New Russian thinks a wile trying to remember, then replies: Oh, no, thats a perfect machine but the ashtrays been filled.
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personnel to various situations.
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office youve ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
YOU SHOULD:
(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. YOU SHOULD:
(A) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and dont remember your
name.
(B) Ask what position she played.
(C) Ask if she is still working the streets.
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded
born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.
The Texas gentleman looked
appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
spot. The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah
honor!
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor,
hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says hes never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesnt know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Dont do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!
Q: What has 128 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row in a BSB concert.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me — all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.