Old and New Jokes

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

En un vuelo había 21 pasajeros: 20 japoneses y un argentino. Por defectos en los motores y en el avión, se resuelve que tiene que tirarse un tripulante para salvar al resto. Cuando estaban deliberando, el piso se desgarró, quedando todos los pasajeros colgados del techo. Entonces el argentino dice:

Como yo soy el único argentino y ustedes son mayoría, mejor me tiro yo y salvo la vida de los demás.

¡Bravo! ¡Loable!, gritan los otros a coro.

Pero antes… quiero decir unas palabras…

¡Rápido, hombre, que se cae el avión!

¡Un aplauso por mi gesto tan valiente!

CLAP CLAP CLAP…

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasnt, he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

I guess I was just really into it, you know? he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, thats for sure, said officer Taylor. I
walked up to (Lawrence) and hes…just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I
just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….

A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethovens Ninth Symphony. In the piece, theres a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! he cried.No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductors score together with string. Itll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date.Well, of course, said her companion. Dont you see? Its the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.

Ladies…read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably dont want to know what were thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship. We dont know anything about handbags. Dont even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you cant have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says I love you like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat. Dont make us guess. Dont cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.

From the Tonight Show last night:

Item n on Johnnys list of Things I have Learned: Never get too
attached to a house.

Robin Williams comment on the above: Ah yes, divorce. From the
Latin for having your genitals torn off through your wallet.

Yo mama so ugly that when she entered an ugly contest, she was disqualified for being a professional.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.



Obsolete – Any computer you own.



Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.



G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.



Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.



Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.



GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)



Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.



Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.



Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.



Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.



Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.



Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.



System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.